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Band 4

We should return to traditional and older values of respect for family and community. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#values #respect #community
it is claimed about what the things that all of the societies accepted in the modern era because sometimes the old principle is still relevant for
household
Add an article
the household
a household
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. In my point of view, I am supposed to say yes as a person who
believe
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believes
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 in all standard in our life, but it seems unrealistic because it is old school from
time
 to
time
 . admittedly, the most appreciation toward our family and community would help to
make
Verb problem
apply
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strengthen the family through bonding and social cohesion with each family member . Individualism has eroded the
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
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 generation, making them indifferent to old values that they are still accepted to what happens in their own homes. At one point,
old-fashioned
Correct article usage
the old-fashioned
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 style comes back with the
last
 concept and unconsciously is influenced and thereby spends more
time
 accompanying all the family members
as well as
 giving all ears to their elderly parents. In the
mean
Correct your spelling
meantime
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time
 , more participation and support from friends and neighbours would be seen in all kinds of communal activities.
This
 progress, viewed in the long run, will necessarily bring harmonious and united nations .
On the other hand
 , when trying to arouse people's awareness of respecting their family units or communities,
its
Correct your spelling
it's
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 risky for hypercorrection which should not be ignored. It is because, we are already well-educated and growing up in
this
 enlightened society, people nowadays have stronger individual consciousness and refuse to have their lives arranged.
Me personally
Correct pronoun usage
Personally
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, I am a person who wants to live based on my confidence, I live to fulfil my life as a person who just
care
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cares
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 about the thing that I still believe . Facing the huge generation gap, some people may need to sacrifice their personal choices and values
as well as
 submit to the preference of their parents , if asked to respect the decision my by their family. Worse still, some minority groups, in order to be more socially accepted, are likely to weaken their identity and follow the modern social trend blindly, which will
also
 pose a threat to our social diversity. In conclusion, we are supposed to pay more attention to old principles which are still related to our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and
then
 maintain family values and a sense of community, but it does not mean we need to follow that these old ideas should be fully accepted in the ever-evolving world.
Submitted by muhammadluthfidzulfikar on

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Coherence and Cohesion
You need to work on the clarity and the organization of your essay. Make sure to have a clear introduction with a thesis statement, coherent body paragraphs, and a conclusive conclusion that restates your thesis and summarizes the main points.
Task Achievement
Your response should directly address the essay question in a consistent manner. Make sure each body paragraph has a clear main idea that relates back to your argument and is supported by relevant examples or explanations.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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