IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some cultures,older people are valued most highly. In other cultures,youth is value more than experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion as to which age should be most valued.

#cultures #people #youth #value #age
People are divided on the issue of who is to be most valued within some tribes. Some regions are of the opinion that the younger
generation
 should be rated high
while
 others believe that the older
generation
 should be taken with utmost priority. There are valid opinions on both sides,which I will consider now. On the one hand,the youngsters are the leaders of tomorrow.
In addition
, the youth are physically active and can engage in
energy consuming
Add a hyphen
energy-consuming
show examples
 jobs without having a serious effect on their health.
For example
,
A
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 research conducted by Mark in 2016 reported that 70% of the workforce in England is made up of the
youths
Fix the agreement mistake
youth
show examples
. Obviously, the younger
generation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a lasting memory which enables them
perform
Add the particle
to perform
show examples
 excellently
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their chosen field. Indeed,their brain is able to store as much information as necessary in
this
 period. *To a large extent, it is easy to see reasons why the youngsters are treasured mostly in many regions.*
On the other hand
,the elderly should not be taken for granted. Typically,
this
 group contribute to the
generation
 of knowledge. 
For instance
,the older people are consulted in my village to gather information about the origin of the community.
Furthermore
,the aged have
wealth
Correct article usage
a wealth
show examples
 of experience.
For example
,from the life experiences of the elderly ones,the coming generations are guided from committing errors in life. *In
this
 case,it is easy to see that the aged should not be relegated.*
Submitted by horukotanemmanuel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
You should ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction must contextualize the topic and end with a clear thesis statement, whereas your conclusion should effectively summarize your discussion and restate your position.
logical structure
Improve the logical structure of your essay by using clear and logical paragraphing. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and a concluding sentence that links back to the overall essay argument.
supported main points
To support your points, you must include specific examples. These examples should be detailed enough to substantiate your arguments but concise enough not to detract from the main point.
complete response
To fully satisfy the task, ensure that the response is complete and addresses all parts of the task. You should also present a balanced discussion of both views and end with a reasoned conclusion reflecting your opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and expand on your ideas to comprehensively cover the topic. Ensure that each paragraph conveys a clear main idea, and develop your argument with adequate explanation and elaboration.
relevant specific examples
While you included examples, make sure they are relevant and specific. They should be clearly linked to the points you are making and add value to your argument, illustrating your viewpoint effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!