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Band 6

Some people believe that modern technology, such as the internet and smartphones, creates more problems than it solves. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #technology #internet #smartphones
Some individuals think that
technology
 from the modern era, like the internet and smartphones, is creating more issues than it is resolving. I completely agree with
this
 statement because
people
’s mental
health
 is suffering, and,
also
,
people
 don’t enjoy their free
time
 as much as they used to. First of all, modern
technology
 is negatively affecting the mental
health
 of many individuals.
This
 is because an essential aspect of good mental
health
 is processing what happens to us, particularly any negative experiences.
However
, with modern
technology
, many
people
 don’t take any
time
 to reflect on their lives and
instead
 spend all of their available
time
 on the internet or watching television. These days,
for instance
, most customers in supermarket queues look at something on their phones,
whereas
 before
this
technology
, they had no option but to think about whatever came to mind. Another drawback is the way that
this
technology
 has hindered how much
people
 enjoy their leisure
time
. Passing the
time
 with modern
technology
,
such
 as phone apps or video games, requires minimal effort but
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not as enjoyable or rewarding as hobbies
such
 as playing a sport or gardening, which were more popular in the past.
For example
, in my family, most members had various outdoor pursuits that they did in the evenings, but now, it’s more common to see them sitting inside the house on their phones. In conclusion, I agree that the advent of modern
technology
 has created more issues than it has solved because of the decline in mental
health
 that it has brought about and the resulting lack of enjoyment that
people
 experience in their free
time
.
Submitted by mizuho on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure the logical structure of your essay is clear by making better use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, aim to make your thesis statement more impactful and your conclusion more comprehensive, summarising all main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with a wider range of examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. General statements could be improved with specific details to enhance their persuasiveness.
task achievement
In addressing the task, ensure you completely address all parts of the prompt. Expand on your ideas to make them more comprehensive and develop each point fully for a higher task achievement score.
task achievement
Generate clearer and more comprehensive ideas that add depth to your argument. Avoid superficial treatment of the topic by elaborating on the hows and whys of your viewpoint.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This can include data, research findings, or detailed anecdotes. Avoid vague or overly general examples to have a stronger task response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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