IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagre

#food #drink #products #level #sugars #health #people #sugar #disagre
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, more and more
people
Use synonyms
 are impacted by various
health
Use synonyms
 issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity and high blood pressure
due to
Linking Words
 an increased intake of packaged
foods
Use synonyms
, which have high sugar levels. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
such
Linking Words
 problems could be controlled if we raise the cost of sugary products which could limit the consumption habit.
This
Linking Words
 essay completely agrees with that statement and shares my opinion in detail with relevant examples.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 method will ensure to reduction of the prevailing
health
Use synonyms
 issues among
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is to say that being obese is one of the major concerns of
people
Use synonyms
 regardless of their age
due to
Linking Words
 the influence of convenience
foods
Use synonyms
 and beverages, which has significant impacts on their social lives.
In addition
Linking Words
, unlike fresh produce, manufactured
foods
Use synonyms
 create a sense of dependence because it is easy to prepare which is convenient for working
people
Use synonyms
.
consequently
Linking Words
, increasing the price of
such
Linking Words
 items significantly reduces the
purchase
Change the verb form
purchasing
show examples
 power of
such
Linking Words
 goods.
For example
Linking Words
, in Canada, the percentage of tax is increased by 13% , especially for manufactured eatables.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is certainly a natural and long-lasting way to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from consuming high calories.
In other words
Linking Words
, if it is expensive,
people
Use synonyms
 will think about other alternatives that they could substitute
this
Linking Words
 with, which will lower the production of packaged
foods
Use synonyms
. Ultimately, companies will change the trend and promote healthier products which has positive impacts on their businesses
as well as
Linking Words
 on society.
For instance
Linking Words
, zero-calorie drinks are becoming popular among
people
Use synonyms
 because of the growing
health
Use synonyms
 concerns.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 sugar content is important to maintain a significant balance in the body, excessive sugar is more dangerous and has devastating effects on
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
. The best way to tackle the problem is to make it more expensive so that it will be less affordable.
Submitted by jeeanay on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure that all parts of the task are fully addressed with extended explanations and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
While the overall structure is well-organized, some ideas and examples could be further elaborated and presented in a more sophisticated manner.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: