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Band 4

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
, most of all
children
 spend their leisure time
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using new
technologies
. 
In
Change preposition
From
show examples
20th
Change the article
the 20th
show examples
 century until
present
Add an article
the present
show examples
, developing
technologies
 have grown fast in every life major.
For instance
, the
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 of
technologies
 includes developing
games
 for
children
,
such
 as
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
,
nitendo
Correct your spelling
Nintendo
, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
games
. These
games
 are so interesting for
children
 to play with them
in
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apply
show examples
the whole time because these
games
 have powerful value (
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
graphic
Fix the agreement mistake
graphics
show examples
 and easy to play). The
parents
Capitalize word
Parents
show examples
 could
monitorized
Correct your spelling
monitor
 their
children
's friendships so they can prevent their
children
 from bad impact
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
friendship
Fix the agreement mistake
friendships
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the players must buy the
cassetes
Correct your spelling
cassettes
 for each
games
Change to a singular noun
game
show examples
 so it is
need
Verb problem
necessary to have
show examples
 some money to play
games
Correct article usage
the games
show examples
 that you want.
Moreover
,
children
 will lack
from
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apply
show examples
outdoor
Add an article
the outdoor
show examples
 activity
for
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 they are so busy
play
Change the form of the verb
playing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
 in the room. In education, the development of new technology
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 some advantages for
children
 to access
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge,
for example
, the
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 of
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
,
smarphone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
smartphones
, and laptop. These technology are used by
children
 to explore their knowledge and their interest, and sometimes to do their homework.
The another
Remove the article
Another
show examples
 function of
technologies
 is using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media like
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
,
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
,
twitter
Capitalize word
Twitter
show examples
, etc. The
children
 can make a friend easily so they can be accepted
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
 environment. In conclusion, the advantages of new
technologies
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the disadvantages. The fact that
children
 like so much to use new
technologies
 to spend their time
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 true. But in the wise of using,
technologies
 can be used to improve the skills consistently.
Submitted by fylerone on

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clear, logical structure to your essay with distinct paragraphs for introduction, main body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the subsequent sentences support that idea with specific examples and explanations.
task achievement
Focus on developing a clear position throughout the essay and back up your points with more elaborate examples and detail.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling closely to reduce errors and enhance the overall readability of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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