IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
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The
use
 of
computers
, nowadays, is indispensable in human lives
due to
 many aspects
such
 as
communications
, medicine, and transport systems depend on the breakthroughs in
computer
 technology.
However
, some
people
 think that our dependence on
computers
 in those
fields
 has detrimental effects on human beings. I disagree with the statement because the positive impacts that
computers
 have in these
fields
 overshadow the negative. First and foremost,
computers
 have numerous benefits in many aspects, especially in these
fields
. In
communications
,
for instance
,
computers
 facilitate
people
 who want to communicate with other
people
 around the world using applications
such
 as WhatsApp, Instagram, and Twitter. All
communications
 around the world
use
computers
 as operator devices,
Also
,
computers
 reduce the time-consuming in terms of helping the administration of railways so passengers no longer queue to buy tickets because today e-tickets are provided by railway administrators. Another field that
also
 gets advantages from
computer
 technology is medicine. The Doctors
use
 ultrasonography to detect a baby in a pregnant's stomach and watch it from the
computer
 screen.
Moreover
,
computers
 help scientists to unravel a mystery the DNA.
On the other hand
, the negative impact resulting from
computers
 in the three
fields
 is inevitable. The most dangerous thing caused by
computers
 is no privacy. The private data registered to these
fields
 would be vulnerable to misuse by irresponsible
people
.
However
,
this
 case can be prevented by the government applying a strict rule in public privacy.
Therefore
, data privacy in the future will be safe.
Moreover
, in
this
 digital era, the application of artificial intelligence has a significant impact in terms of providing a convenient environment for internet surfing.
To sum up
,
although
computer
 technology provides numerous positive impacts for human beings ranging from the utility of
communications
 to medicine, the
use
 of
computers
 should be restricted and assisted by humans to combat a devastating situation.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a clear thesis statement at the end of the introduction which outlines your main points.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and discourse markers to structure the argument more effectively.
task achievement
Develop your arguments further with a more detailed explanation and provide more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow the structure of topic sentence, explanation, example, and concluding/connection sentence for better clarity.
task achievement
Expand upon the counterarguments to your thesis, and ensure that there is a refutation for each, strengthening your position.
coherence cohesion
Include a well-developed conclusion that summarizes your main points and clearly restates your position in different words.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
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