IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
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The
use
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 of
computers
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, nowadays, is indispensable in human lives
due to
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 many aspects
such
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 as
communications
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, medicine, and transport systems depend on the breakthroughs in
computer
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 technology.
However
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, some
people
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 think that our dependence on
computers
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 in those
fields
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 has detrimental effects on human beings. I disagree with the statement because the positive impacts that
computers
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 have in these
fields
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 overshadow the negative. First and foremost,
computers
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 have numerous benefits in many aspects, especially in these
fields
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. In
communications
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,
for instance
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,
computers
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 facilitate
people
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 who want to communicate with other
people
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 around the world using applications
such
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 as WhatsApp, Instagram, and Twitter. All
communications
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 around the world
use
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computers
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 as operator devices,
Also
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,
computers
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 reduce the time-consuming in terms of helping the administration of railways so passengers no longer queue to buy tickets because today e-tickets are provided by railway administrators. Another field that
also
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 gets advantages from
computer
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 technology is medicine. The Doctors
use
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 ultrasonography to detect a baby in a pregnant's stomach and watch it from the
computer
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 screen.
Moreover
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,
computers
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 help scientists to unravel a mystery the DNA.
On the other hand
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, the negative impact resulting from
computers
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 in the three
fields
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 is inevitable. The most dangerous thing caused by
computers
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 is no privacy. The private data registered to these
fields
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 would be vulnerable to misuse by irresponsible
people
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.
However
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,
this
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 case can be prevented by the government applying a strict rule in public privacy.
Therefore
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, data privacy in the future will be safe.
Moreover
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, in
this
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 digital era, the application of artificial intelligence has a significant impact in terms of providing a convenient environment for internet surfing.
To sum up
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,
although
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computer
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 technology provides numerous positive impacts for human beings ranging from the utility of
communications
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 to medicine, the
use
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 of
computers
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 should be restricted and assisted by humans to combat a devastating situation.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a clear thesis statement at the end of the introduction which outlines your main points.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and discourse markers to structure the argument more effectively.
task achievement
Develop your arguments further with a more detailed explanation and provide more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and follow the structure of topic sentence, explanation, example, and concluding/connection sentence for better clarity.
task achievement
Expand upon the counterarguments to your thesis, and ensure that there is a refutation for each, strengthening your position.
coherence cohesion
Include a well-developed conclusion that summarizes your main points and clearly restates your position in different words.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
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