IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries levels of health and fitness are decreasing and average weights are increasing. what do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions ?

#countries #levels #health #fitness #weights
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It is true that people around the world have
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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of
Change preposition
with
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 health. The number of people who have health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 is increasing ,and many people are fat. It has many reasons why humans are more weight ,and have many physical
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
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,so
this
 essay will discuss
this
steatement
Correct your spelling
treatment
such
 as reasons and how to
solove
Correct your spelling
solve
this
problem
.
Submitted by itchayatop31 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure, such as a distinct introduction, body with delimited paragraphs, and a conclusion. Ensure that each of these components is clearly defined and separated to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction fails to adequately paraphrase the task question or provide a clear thesis statement. Additionally, there is no clear conclusion that summarizes the main points. Work on rewriting the introduction to include these key elements and add a conclusion that neatly wraps up the essay.
coherence cohesion
Main points are identified, yet they are largely unsupported. Develop each point with specific examples, explanations, or data. Remember that each paragraph should contain one clear main idea with supporting sentences that expand upon it.
task achievement
The response only partially addresses the task. There is a recognition of the issue, but the causes and solutions are not discussed. Expand upon the initial points made by clearly outlining the causes and proposing specific, actionable solutions.
task achievement
While the ideas related to the topic are somewhat clear, they lack comprehensive development. Strive to elaborate on the arguments you present with fuller explanations and illustrations that demonstrate a deep understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Examples and details are either absent or not relevant to the topic. Enhance the essay by incorporating specific examples that are directly tied to the causes and solutions of the problems being discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • recreational facilities
  • advertising and media
  • emotional eating
  • motivation
  • dietary habits
  • affordable
  • convenient
  • proliferation
  • desk-bound
  • advancement of technology
  • physically demanding
What to do next:
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