IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

It is important for people to take risk, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risk outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risk #lives
It is true that taking
risks
 in terms of achieving our ambitious goals plays a game-changing role in both our private and professional lives.
Although
 we will undeniably encounter numerous impediments through
this
 decision, I firmly believe that the benefits of living a risky life far outweigh any drawbacks it might bring about. Admittedly living a life through which we are exposed to risky decisions might lead to some problems. Considering the professional aspect of taking
risks
, developing countries are facing fluctuating economic situations, as their political position is vulnerably dependent on their geopolitical relations with other countries. Reportedly, many Middle Eastern merchants lose a huge part of their stock annually either
due to
 the drowning of their exports on the way to the destination country or
due to
 dramatic drops in currency prices.
Nevertheless
, I believe that as long as you are not gambling your life, financial losses can be compensated. There are many business holders whose names have been preserved in history because of their life-changing decisions which have affected the whole world.
Furthermore
, the interpretation of risk varies among people. In simpler terms, many businessmen,
such
 as Warren Buffet and Elon Musk are taking actions on a daily routine without being bothered or hesitant about, which
otherwise
 might be feared by normal people In conclusion, despite all the negligible drawbacks which may emerge from taking
risks
, I strongly believe that both the private and professional aspects of our lives will not be fostered
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 unless we consider taking
risks
 as a radical part of our lives.
Submitted by parvizrashidi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
You have provided a well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as evidenced by the high scores in Coherence and Cohesion. To improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that they all link together seamlessly. The use of cohesive devices and varied sentence structures can enhance readability and flow. Avoid overly complex sentences that might obscure the main point and could potentially confuse the reader.
Task Achievement
You addressed the prompt and presented a clear opinion on the risk-taking issue. However, to achieve a higher score in Task Achievement, make sure to cover all parts of the task more fully. Although you provided relevant examples, adding more specific evidence and expanding on these examples could strengthen your argument. Additionally, being more explicit in addressing how the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, rather than just stating it, would solidify your response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: