Many manufactured food and drinks contain high level of sugars which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is generally debated that sugary products which are the main reason for various deadly diseases should be priced higher to promote a healthy diet in society.
However
,
while
I believe that
such
an approach is effective in discouraging sweets consumption, it would have some drawbacks to the economy namely, bankruptcy and unemployment. On the one hand, most of the consumables contain massive amounts of artificial sweeteners which could possibly lead to health problems
such
as obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure. Owing to
this
, It is necessary for the Government to expand the costs of sweet processed food in order to limit their purchase ability.
In other words
, expensively priced products would be less likely to be added to shopping carts by price-sensitive individuals, leaving them with other alternatives.
Consequently
, by revising society’s purchase behaviour towards glucose food and beverages, the rates for disorders would decrease as society becomes more fit.
On the other hand
, the effect that high costs have had on companies can only be seen negatively. As the public’s demand for sugar reduced, the declined sales would potentially impact the factories financially.
As a result
, a number of companies would go bankrupt and hundreds of workers would be jobless.
Besides
, job hunting would be considerably difficult in the future since job fields would be limited.
To sum up
,
although
raising the taxes on sugary products could promote a balanced consumptive behaviour to avoid different disorders, there would be chances that companies would shut down and increase the rates of fired workers.
Submitted by dharyuschen12 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that essay paragraphs follow a clear and logical progression. Each paragraph should elaborate on a central idea without deviating from the topic. Connect your ideas coherently using a variety of linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets the context and outlines the primary stance effectively. However, it could be improved by providing a more nuanced thesis statement that sketches the complexity of the argument. Conclusions should summarize the main points discussed and restate the thesis in light of the arguments provided.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing your main points by offering specific, detailed, and relevant examples to support your arguments convincingly. The examples should be pertinent and enhance the persuasiveness of your argumentation.
task achievement
You have demonstrated a reasonable task response by addressing the prompt, taking a clear position, and presenting an argument. To further improve, ensure that all parts of the task are addressed equally and that the response fully covers the requirements of the prompt.
task achievement
Your essay presents ideas that are relevant to the question, but consider expanding on these with more depth and clarity. Aim to fully develop your argument with further analysis and commentary on each main point.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your points. To score higher, examples should not only be relevant but also varied and detailed, substantiating the claims made throughout your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sugar consumption
  • Sin taxes
  • Price elasticity
  • Health implications
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Dental caries
  • Subsidies
  • Clear labeling
  • Educational campaigns
  • Regressive tax
  • Healthier choices
  • Reformulation
  • Consumer autonomy
  • Dietary choices
  • Sugar tax
  • Heart disease
  • Behavioral economics
  • Public health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: