IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

There are an increasing number of serious crime committed each year. while some people say the best way would be to use the death penalty as deterrent, many people say that other measures will be needed. discuss both views and give opinoin.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Since the
number
Use synonyms
 of recorded violent
crimes
Use synonyms
 is increasing continuously, proponents of the
death
Use synonyms
penalty
Use synonyms
 believe that it might deter people from committing those
crimes
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that alternative solutions should be explored. It is my firm belief that enforcing executions of culprits is not the ultimate solution to tackle the atrocities committed by them, but rather a milder yet pragmatic action
such
Linking Words
 as prevention programs in communities needs to be considered. On the one hand, after experiencing many felonious acts by the guilty, a
number
Use synonyms
 of
countries
Use synonyms
 have developed a radical and the most unthinkable punishment method to equalize justice in societies.
Although
Linking Words
 the
death
Use synonyms
penalty
Use synonyms
 has been eliminated by some
countries
Use synonyms
,
nevertheless
Linking Words
 it exists even in
countries
Use synonyms
 that could be considered the centre of democracy like the USA. Bearing in mind the fact that the
death
Use synonyms
penalty
Use synonyms
 exists in the USA, it is still one of the most dangerous
countries
Use synonyms
 to live in
due to
Linking Words
 a high
number
Use synonyms
 of mass shootings and serious
crimes
Use synonyms
. I think, sustaining the
death
Use synonyms
penalty
Use synonyms
 without rectifying the major shortcomings in societies like exerting gun control measures, will be a futile effort to keep executing the murderers.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some propose discerning new alternatives to overcome the rising
number
Use synonyms
 of major offences. As a vivid case of exploring new solutions, educating people and investing in community-based that focus on crime prevention, especially among at-risk populations are the most pertinent owing to their mass influence over culprits.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, education is one of the most important factors that has the capability to help people who might
otherwise
Linking Words
 turn to crime. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the
death
Use synonyms
penalty
Use synonyms
 may be seen as a means to reduce similar
crimes
Use synonyms
, I argue that the key emphasis should be on comprehensive education for the youth and the organization of community-supportive events to aid those in the highest-risk groups."

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow of ideas by using cohesive devices effectively throughout the essay. While the essay has a fair structure, some transitions may seem abrupt or unclear.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main points of the discussion. The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear framework for the essay, but they could be further refined to offer a more precise thesis statement and summarization of the points discussed.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea, supported by specific examples and explanations. The essay has identifiable main points, but providing more detailed examples and sharper analysis would enhance the arguments.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task, including discussing both views and providing your own opinion. While the essay covers both sides of the argument and includes a personal opinion, it could achieve a higher score by fully expanding on these points and giving them equal weight.
task achievement
Clarify your ideas with comprehensive explanations and examples. The essay presents a series of ideas related to the topic; however, to improve your score, focus on developing each point with clear, comprehensive explanations and more relevant examples.
task achievement
Include specific examples to illustrate your points and to make your arguments more persuasive. The inclusion of specific examples would elevate the essay, as general statements without solid examples can weaken the overall impact of the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: