IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some educational systems make students study specialised subjects while others require students to study a wide range. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#systems #students #study #subjects #range
In
this
 day and age, many people still
debated
Change the form of the verb
debate
show examples
 about whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children should
neither
Correct word choice
either
show examples
 learn the
overall
courses
 or the specific field at
school
. Despite
this
 topic still being a public controversy,
this
 essay will explain both of these views, and I believe that the
pupils
 who learning a wide range of studies will get more benefits than the
students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 only focus on certain
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 of
studies
Fix the agreement mistake
study
show examples
. Learning a specific field in
school
 leads the
students
 to
being
Change the verb form
be
show examples
 a specialist in the
future
.
This
 is because the
pupils
 can focus on the
subjects
 that they are interested
to study
Change preposition
in studying
show examples
.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
school
students
 that choose to deeply learn about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economics
courses
 will only learn about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
macroenomy
Correct your spelling
macroeconomy
 theories, how
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government policies
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 affected
towards
Change preposition
apply
show examples
society, and the principles of accounting.
As a consequence
, by specializing to study on a certain knowledge, the
pupils
 will easily opt
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
future
 professions or
career
 projections
as well as
 being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
renowned industry
expert
Fix the agreement mistake
experts
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the
students
 that prefer to learn a broad range of
courses
 will
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
show examples
 to many kinds of fields that
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
Correct article usage
an emphasize
show examples
emphasize
Replace the word
emphasis
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
students
' flexibility
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
future
career
 aspirations.
For example
, people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 focus
to study
Change preposition
on studying
show examples
 sciences will learn several
courses
 related to physics, chemistry, and biology.
By being
Change preposition
Being
show examples
 a generalist,
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will improve the
students
' soft skills,
such
 as critical thinking and
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
. They have the opportunity to grow and learn all the
subjects
 and choose their own
career
 path. In other ways, the more
subjects
 they learn, the bigger opportunity they can reach in the
future
.
To sum up
, the
students
 that
being
Verb problem
become
show examples
 a specialist will highly
possible to
Rephrase
likely
show examples
 become
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
industry
expert
Fix the agreement mistake
experts
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
.
However
, the
pupils
 that learn the comprehensive
subjects
 at
school
 are significant to the
pupils
' enhancement
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
future
career
 determinations.
Submitted by asyifannisakh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by using cohesive devices effectively and organizing paragraphs cohesively. The essay shows some organization but can benefit from clearer transitions and paragraph topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be stronger. Ensure the introduction clearly states the essay's purpose and the conclusion effectively summarizes main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with clear and relevant examples. While some examples are provided, they could be more specific and detailed to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Make sure to fully address the task by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. The essay attempts to discuss both sides but could present a more thorough analysis and integration of personal opinion throughout.
task achievement
Develop clear and comprehensive ideas in each argument, ensuring that the essay demonstrates a complete understanding of the topic. The essay touches on relevant points but requires more depth and clarity.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support each point. The essay includes examples, but they are somewhat generic. Including specific, real-world examples can enhance the position presented and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: