IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Behavior in schools is getting worse. Explain the causes of this problem and suggest some possible solutions.

#behavior #schools
All over the world people face
up with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Replace the word
behavioural
show examples
behaviour
Replace the word
behavioural
show examples
problems
.
This
 is getting worse. Is it because of the lack of money,
is
Correct word choice
or is
show examples
 it because of the independence of the youngest? Does
school
 have to take a major role to prevent
this
happens
Wrong verb form
from happening
show examples
? I am going to give my point of view in my essay.
Firstly
, I want to start with the economic crisis that all societies are facing. I believe, because of that many
kids
 are getting aggressive. They don't have money to buy what other
kids
 can, and they become negative, selfish and
arrogance
Replace the word
arrogant
show examples
. All these may cause
problems
 with their
behaviour
 inside the
school
 communities and teachers have to find a way to pass through. If there was a uniform and a list of things that every pupil
can bought
Wrong verb form
could buy
show examples
 may give less
school
behaviour
problems
.
Secondly
,
kids
 have plenty of free time without the supervision of their parents or an adult. So, they start thinking and behaving as if they are already adults, with the second to lead us in unexpected social behaviours.
Kids
 need to have somebody to look after them, to give them the right basis for mental and social
behaviour
. Maybe their parents or even their teachers. In my country schools closed at noon so
kids
 have the rest of the day alone. If there are afternoon courses at schools so everybody has to develop social skills through sports activities, theatre or music classes, I believe that the problem will be less. In closing, I want to mention the necessity of parents and
school
 teachers, so
kids
 have better communication skills and better
behaviour
. Yes, we have
problems
 with
behaviour
 in schools but we have to start from somewhere to help our
kids
 get better and be more responsible and not so selfish.
Submitted by mayiou on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic structure, but the points made are somewhat unclear and disconnected. The introduction does not effectively set the stage for a strong argument, and the conclusion is weak. Improve the logical flow by connecting ideas more cohesively and ensure each paragraph contributes distinctly to the overall argument. Consider using clearer topic sentences and supporting details.
task achievement
While you address the topic, your response lacks depth and detailed exploration of the causes and solutions related to worsening school behavior. You should expand on your ideas with specific, relevant examples and explanations. Also, make sure to directly answer the question by clearly stating and discussing the causes and suggesting practical, detailed solutions.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Discipline
  • Respect for authority
  • Confrontational
  • Cyberbullying
  • Overcrowded
  • Curriculum
  • Engagement
  • Mental health
  • Parental involvement
  • Social-emotional learning (SEL)
  • Classroom management
  • Trusting environment
  • Anxiety
  • Stress
  • Behavioral intervention
  • Facilities
  • Resource allocation
What to do next:
Look at other essays: