IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

In many parts of world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. what are the causes? how should these young criminals to be punished?

#in #parts #world #children #teenagers #crimes #criminals
Nowadays, there is an ongoing debate about whether
parents
 should face penalties when their kids violate the law, as they are deemed responsible for their actions. I wholeheartedly support
this
 perspective. First and foremost, mothers and fathers bear a legal obligation to supervise and care for their
children
, and when a child violates the law, it may signify a lapse in parental duties.
For instance
, if a minor is repeatedly involved in vandalism, authorities may investigate the child's home environment. If it is determined that the
parents
 have neglected their duty to instil discipline and guide the juvenile's behaviour, the legal system could impose penalties on the
parents
,
such
 as fines or mandatory parenting courses.
This
 example illustrates how legal repercussions for guardians can result from their failure to fulfil their legal obligations. It emphasizes the importance of responsible parenting and ensuring a safe and nurturing environment for their
children
.
Furthermore
, imposing penalties on
parents
 of juveniles who engage in criminal activities may serve as a powerful deterrent, influencing other guardians to assume greater responsibility for their
children
's behaviour.
This
, in turn, could contribute to preventing future criminal activities by kids. Ultimately leading to a reduction in the
overall
 crime rate. By emphasizing parental accountability for their child's actions, the legal system aims to convey a strong message that
parents
 must actively participate in the education of their youth, taking measures to deter them from involvement in criminal behaviours. In conclusion, I firmly contend that mothers and fathers should face consequences when their kids violate the law, as they are held accountable for their
children
's actions.
This
 approach not only reinforces the importance of responsible parenting but
also
 contributes to the
overall
 safety and well-being of the community.
Submitted by xiaoruoling7 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay directly addresses all components of the prompt. The essay should provide both causes of youth crime and suggested punishments, whereas this essay focuses primarily on the punishment aspect, particularly the responsibility of the parents, without addressing the causes of youth crimes as per the topic given.
coherence and cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to demonstrate logical sequencing of ideas and paragraphs. While the essay shows some degree of coherence, it could be improved by creating better links between the reasons for crime and the resulting consequences, and discussing the topic more holistically.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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