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Band 2.5

It is generally believed that education is of vital importance to individual development and the well-being of societies What should education consist of to fulfill both these functions

#education #importance #development #societies #functions
There is no doubt that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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education
 is of vital importance to individual
development
 and the
overall
 well-being of societies. I fully agree with
this
 statement for a number of reasons. To
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 both these functions
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 should consist of different types of subjects, as explained below.
Overall
, the
education
 of a person should be distinguished 
in
Change preposition
into
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 two different categories.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 one regards the personal and psychological
development
 of an individual, which is, in my opinion, as important as the second one. The latter must cover teaching
of
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apply
show examples
skills which could be useful for social
development
,
for instance
, building homes, repairing cars, curing sick people, learning languages and
likewise
Rephrase
apply
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many more.
Therefore
, the
education
 system should comprise
of
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apply
show examples
different kinds of subjects, from human psychology
development
 to science and maths.
Nonetheless
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
practical expertise like basic life support, managing an event, repairing and so on. In conclusion, I firmly believe that the better the
education
 system a society has the better its future
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 be.
Therefore
, we all should actively engage ourselves in making
this
 world a better place to live.
Submitted by syedbasat on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay introduces the topic and provides a basic structure, but the structure could be enhanced by more clearly outlining your main points in the introduction and consistently linking paragraphs through cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a restatement of your position, however, a stronger conclusion would reinforce your main points and summarise the implications or recommendations for future action.
task achievement
Your essay touches upon the broader themes of education, its individual and societal benefits, and types of subjects needed. However, it lacks specific examples to illustrate your main points. Integrating relevant, specific examples would improve the strength and clarity of your arguments and maintain task focus.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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