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Band 5.5

The use of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, is replacing face-to-face contact in this century. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#media #facebook #twitter #contact #century #outweigh
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Nowadays
people
 rely on social
media
 to
interrupt
Verb problem
interact
show examples
 with
friends
 and families. More and more
people
 consider
this
 tendency
is
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 better than face-to-face. I will claim that the upsides of using social
media
 do not outweigh the downsides. The use of social
media
 may bring two benefits in
this
 century.
Firstly
, it is fast to update new information from social
media
.
For example
,
people
 like to share pictures with
friends
 when they go
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a trip. They do not need to show their pictures face-to-face and their
friends
 can get the pictures.
Moreover
, it is easy to make new
friends
 on social
media
,
such
 as Facebook. There are many groups on Facebook and
people
 can join
its
Change the pronoun
it
show examples
 to meet new
friends
 from different countries. Regardless of the benefits above, using social
media
 to contact
people
 should be more carefully considered.
To begin
 with,
people
 will be easy to forget how to type the
words
 of their language correctly. In recent years, there
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 many online
words
 to use on the internet. Especially, young
people
 like to shorten
words
 and
this
 action makes them forget how to spell correct
words
.
In addition
, using social
media
 always mistakes for
people
's emotions. When
people
 read the text, they could not differentiate between happiness and sadness. Sometimes, it is easy to make a mistake
while
 replying.
To sum up
,
people
 could surely benefit from using social
media
 becoming more convenient.
However
, using social
media
 makes
people
 forget to spell
words
 and cannot realize others feeling
while
 reading the text.
Submitted by pobbywang on

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Task Response
Your essay does address the prompt but could benefit from a clearer argument structure. Introduce each advantage and disadvantage with a topic sentence, and then explain and support them with more detailed examples or data.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on better paragraphing and linking words to improve the flow of your essay. Each main point should be in a separate paragraph, and ideas should be connected with transitions to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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