IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some feel that governments should prioritize healthcare instead of other important areas. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#feel #governments #prioritize #healthcare #areas
There is a debate over whether
healthcare
 is the most important
government
 task or not. I partly agree with
this
 view and I will enumerate my reasons below.
To begin
 with, there are some reasons why the
government
 should be more attentive to
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system. For one thing, the gap between the rich and the poor
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
healthcare
 service benefits would be widened unless the
government
invest
Wrong verb form
invested
show examples
 enough money in
national
Add an article
the national
show examples
healthcare
 system. To be specific, only a few affluent people can afford some diseases which need big surgical
operation
Fix the agreement mistake
operations
show examples
 or constant care,
such
 as cancer and diabetes since it is prohibitive to cure.
Therefore
, the well-to-do can become
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
healthier,
whereas
 the disadvantaged become more ailing. In spite of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 mentioned above, I am of the opinion that the
government
 should prioritize other crucial duties.
Firstly
,
education
 is
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a priority rather than
healthcare
.
This
 is because fair opportunities
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
education
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a basic human right.
For
this
 reason, the
government
 can provide everyone with
decent
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a decent
show examples
 level of
education
 with cheap tuition
fee
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fees
show examples
 or free of charge.
Furthermore
, if the chance of
education
 is enhanced, the
government
 can cultivate more adept people.
Secondly
, building infrastructure is as vital as
education
 as well. Supplying indispensable services,
such
 as water, electricity and waste disposal, definitely improves the quality of life, as the more
develop
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developed
show examples
 they
, the
Add a missing verb
are, the
show examples
 more comfortable life
citizen
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citizens
show examples
 can have.
Additionally
,
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
 of rail,
harbor
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harbour
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, and airport facilities can revitalize
economy
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the economy
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, facilitating
trades
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trade
show examples
.
Thus
, ultimately, it is helpful for national growth. In conclusion,
although
 there are a few reasons related to
emphasis
Add an article
the emphasis
an emphasis
show examples
 on
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system, the other policy areas can be more important than it.
Submitted by moonmond15 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows an attempt to organize ideas but lacks a clear logical progression throughout. It's important to make sure each paragraph clearly links to the main idea and that the supporting sentences are well-organized to build upon your argument coherently.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present but could be developed further. A more impactful introduction would clearly present the premise of your argument and your own stance. The conclusion should summarily clearly reflect on the arguments made throughout the essay, offering a distinct resolution of your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
You have made an effort to support your main points with explanations, but the argument could be strengthened by including more varied and detailed examples. Ensure the use of specific examples is precise and directly supports the point being made.
task achievement
Though you addressed the prompt, your response sometimes veered away from a complete answer to the question asked. Consider focusing more on directly answering the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement, ensuring each paragraph contributes to this central task.
task achievement
While some ideas are clear, they need to be expressed more comprehensively. Focus on giving full context and explanation to every argument you present, making sure that your essay conveys an in-depth understanding of the topic at hand.
task achievement
The essay requires more relevant and specific examples to effectively illustrate your points. Real-world cases, statistics, or studies would create a more compelling and persuasive argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal healthcare
  • preventive medicine
  • public health infrastructure
  • social determinants of health
  • fiscal allocation
  • government expenditure
  • gross domestic product (GDP)
  • life expectancy
  • pandemic preparedness
  • health equity
  • social safety net
  • holistic approach
  • non-communicable diseases
  • cross-sector collaboration
  • socioeconomic status
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