IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

It is true that we are living in a modern era in which the phenomena of globalization have been more ubiquitous than ever before. Through the development of science and technology, the general populace can
also
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 improve the quality of their life and longevity. That leads to an
aging
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ageing
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 population. The economic and social impact of population
aging
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ageing
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 is extremely crucial. That's why, many
people
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 in some countries prevent it, resulting in an increase in a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older
people
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.
Thus
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, It has lots of advantages. In
this
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 essay, I'm going to explain fully about the details. On the one hand, youth gives
people
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 more energy on what they want to do, giving rise to a developed society. Young adults can make a positive contribution to the community by taking part in community services and volunteer work. Because they have health and finances to devote themselves to the community.
For example
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, it is common to see younger
people
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 spend their time providing food or clothes for unlucky
people
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. In the field of science, there are many young
people
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 who have created many new achievements.
For example
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, students at a university created a
voice–controlled
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voice–controlled
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 wheelchair. That helps
people
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 with disabilities can go anywhere they want without help from others.
Therefore
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, a country has a large number of young adults can improve and develop the economy of the country.
On the other hand
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, if your country has elder seniors, your nation won't have lots of benefits. Because the older
people
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 aren't able to work like young
people
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. They must retire and receive subsidies from the government. In the aspect of health, older
people
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 have many problems with diseases
such
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 as heart disease, diabetes, you name it. So, they must be taken care of by someone else.
For instance
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, in Japan, the proportion of elderly
people
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 has increased and they lack patient care staff.
Besides
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, the career structure changes since seniors are too old to work.
To sum up
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,
although
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 there are always exceptions, we can not deny the statement of having two slides. When the
aging
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ageing
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 population increases rapidly, the economy is
also
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 in recession. So, we should control
the
Correct article usage
apply
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aging
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ageing
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 to develop the nation in the era of globalization.

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task response
Your essay strays from the given topic by discussing the prevention of aging populations rather than focusing on the particular aspect of having a large number of young adults relative to older people. The task requires a discussion of whether the advantages of this demographic trend outweigh the disadvantages, not a general statement on the age population.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay does present an introduction and conclusion, which is positive. However, the essay lacks clear topic sentences and cohesive devices that would help to guide the reader through a logical argument. Consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph and incorporating transition words to enhance the flow of ideas.
task response
You have attempted to provide examples to support your points, which is good. However, the examples are somewhat generic and not fully developed. To achieve a higher band score, ensure that the examples are directly relevant to the topic, provide specific details and are clearly linked to your main argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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