IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Write about the following topic. In many parts of the world today there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people’s skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #parts #world #market #products #whiten #people’s #skin #outline #effects #terms #health #society
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There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that
people
Use synonyms
 in the world have a tendency to use some
products
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 which can help their
skin
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 brighten up. I would contend that my essay is dedicated to the underlying roots, followed by some equivalent influences. Without a shadow of a doubt,
skin
Use synonyms
 whitening items can bring a large profit for companies which are involved in beautiful aspects and one of the outstanding reasons
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
related to
this
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 phenomenon is
media
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 effects. Because
media
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 platforms show that
white skinned
Add a hyphen
white-skinned
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people
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 are more beautiful and have higher status than
dark skinned
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dark-skinned
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people
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,
as a result
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, it can lead to a population of
skin
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 care
products
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 which can assist their
skin
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 whitening up after a period.
For example
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, there are abundant advertisements which are produced by cosmetic brands in order to not only express
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 important role of white
skin
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 but
also
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 to improve
people
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's use of their
products
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.
Hence
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, a remarkable justification why cosmetic manufacturers which can enhance
people
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’s
skin
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 white
up
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apply
show examples
become more and more popular is
media
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 effects.
While
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 the culprit of
this
Linking Words
 problem is widely acknowledged, it is unfair if
influences
Correct article usage
the influences
show examples
 of whitening items are ignored. With the hope of having
a
Correct article usage
apply
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light and clean
skin
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, there are many
people
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 who abuse cosmetic
products
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so as
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to increase
level
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the level
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white
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of white
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 of their
skin
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 without caring about their impacts, especially
skin
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 diseases.
For instance
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, nowadays, in the market, there is a wealth of whitening
products
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 which can contain some harmful ingredients which can contribute to some serious problems related to
skin
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 diseases,
therefore
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, if
people
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 do not have enough in-depth knowledge about cosmetics, they can suffer a flood of alarming diseases.
Thus
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 using cosmetics to have
a
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apply
show examples
white
skin
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 with limited knowledge,
people
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’s
skin
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 can be influenced by some bad ingredients in
this
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 product. In conclusion, a reason why
people
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 tend to take a keen interest in utilizing light
products
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 to improve their
skin
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 is impacted by
media
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 platforms and it can result in some unhealthy problems to their
skin
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 if they make use of it for a long time.
Submitted by nh203618 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but you need to ensure that you develop your main points fully, providing clearer explanations and more relevant examples to support your arguments. Connect your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from better organization. Use paragraphs to separate different ideas and utilize cohesive devices to help the reader follow your argument. Work on creating a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay.
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