IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
Nowadays, many foods and drinks contain too much
sugar
 in them which leads to serious
health
 issues. Some individuals argue that the prices of these
products
 should be expensive to stop
people
 from buying them. I agree with
this
 statement because sugary
products
 are crucial to society, and rising
price
 leads
people
 to change their choices. The consumption of high amounts of
sugar
 can be dangerous to society.
This
 is because of the negative effects of these
products
 on
people
's
health
. Consuming more
sugar
 can lead to insulin resistance which may cause type 2
sugar
 disease.
Also
, the artificial ingredients used in these
products
 can damage the digestion system and make
people
 sicker.
For instance
, in the USA the percentages of
people
 who get diabetes and obesity are high because of the higher consumption of sugary food. The rising
price
 of sugary
products
 can make
people
 question themselves before buying them.
People
 like to buy
products
 which are affordable and have good taste like sugary snacks and drinks.
However
; the increasing costs of these
products
 can make
people
 choose affordable ones
such
 as fruits and vegetables and these choices can help them become healthier.
For example
, in Saudi Arabia, many markets have begun to increase the
price
 of sugary food and sell healthy food like dates and milk at a lower
price
 and
this
 influences the customer choice. In conclusion, supermarkets should make the prices of snacks and beverages that contain a huge amount of
sugar
 higher,
due to
 its harmful impact on
people
's
health
. I believe that these sugary snacks can affect an individual's
health
 negatively and rising costs can influence what
people
 choose to consume.
Submitted by sam  on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant examples. However, try to reinforce the points with more varied and detailed arguments to further enhance your task response quality.
task achievement
Re-read and polish your sentences for grammatical accuracy and lexical resource. Consider paraphrasing some ideas to avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-structured, ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are smoother to maintain a clear logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effective, but the essay could benefit from stronger topic sentences that clearly frame each paragraph's main idea.
task achievement
The essay clearly presents and supports its position regarding sugary products with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
A well-defined introduction and conclusion contribute to the clarity of the essay.
task achievement
The examples provided in the essay are pertinent and effectively illustrate the point being made, such as the Saudi Arabia example.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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