IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
In recent times,
children
 have set many aims and have been trying to achieve them. Pupils who are given the message that trying hard can result in accomplishment.
This
 statement
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advantages and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disadvantages for
children
. First of all,
children
 who received
this
 quote are feeling
motivative
Replace the word
motivated
show examples
 and can reach
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 goal, whilst they might feel
pressure
 and
depress
Replace the word
depression
show examples
.
This
 message can lead
children
 to gain motivation to do something and lead to achievement. When they
received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
this
 message, they will feel motivated and will be
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the goal.
For example
,
children
 in Thailand received some quotes from teachers to
be focus
Change the verb form
focus
show examples
 on
examination
Fix the agreement mistake
examinations
show examples
 which
involve
Change the verb form
involves
show examples
children
to read
Change the verb form
reading
show examples
 more books in order to have a better
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 to proud
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
.
This
 achievement can result in happiness
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 ourselves and
families
Correct pronoun usage
our families
show examples
.
However
, sometimes
children
 may feel
pressure
 and may lead to depression. When they focus on the aim that they want to achieve, they will feel
pressure
 and worry whether they can accomplish
or
Correct pronoun usage
it or
show examples
 not.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 recent study has shown that Korean youngsters who have
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 crucial examination for entering the university are
in stress
Change preposition
stressed
show examples
 because their family force them to have
a good scores
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good score
good scores
show examples
, if they have a low grade they will
have a punishment
Verb problem
be punished
show examples
.
This
 problem
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 to depression
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 youngsters which
continue
Correct subject-verb agreement
continues
show examples
 to increase
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days.
To conclude
,
children
 who received the quote about trying hard are getting the advantages of motivation and accomplishment,
while
 some says that
this
 result in
pressure
 and depression
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 pupils.
Submitted by fah on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction, an organized body with distinct paragraphs for each point, and a clear conclusion that summarizes the main ideas.
task achievement
Develop main points more fully with specific examples and explanations to support each advantage and disadvantage mentioned.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced view by dedicating equal time to discussing both advantages and disadvantages with corresponding examples and analysis.
task achievement
Watch out for grammatical errors, as consistent mistakes can detract significantly from the clarity of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on your vocabulary. Aim to use precise vocabulary suited for the academic setting of the IELTS exam.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!