IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

98.Many manufactured food and drinks products contain high levels of sugar; which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is argued that
prices
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 of sugary
products
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 should be increased in order to prevent
people
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 from getting health problems.
This
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 essay completely agrees with
this
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 statement because increasing the
price
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 of high-sugar
products
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, will not be profitable for the consumers,
also
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individuals
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 will be aware of how harmful these
products
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 are.
People
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 will be less willing to buy
products
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 with high levels of sugar if the
prices
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 of these
products
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 increase.
This
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 is because sugary
products
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 are only snacks, not normal meal, so is not profitable for
individuals
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 to spend more money on sweets, which are bad for their health, than on
products
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such
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 as vegetables and rice which its cheap and provides sources of vitamins which keep their body healthy.
For instance
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, Japan increased the
prices
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 of sweets and chocolate in 2019 which reduced sales of these
products
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 by approximately 70%.
Individuals
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 are unaware of how harmful are the
products
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 they consume. Normally, when
individuals
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 buy a product, they only think of the taste and the
price
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. Sugary
products
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 are cheap to produce and
also
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, sold at a low
price
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, allowing many
people
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 to be able to afford them. Consuming these
products
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 leads to many health problems, which they are not aware of until they go to the doctor.
For instance
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, 50% of American adults are obese
due to
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 excessive consumption of sugary
products
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, so increasing the
price
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 of these
products
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, diabetes and obesity cases reduces. In conclusion, increasing the
price
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 of
products
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 with a high level of sugar will let
people
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 know
that is
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 not profitable to buy these
products
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 and allow
people
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 to know the damage that these goods cause to their bodies,
therefore
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, I believe, that the
prices
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 of the sugary
products
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 should be increased.

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coherence cohesion
It is essential to have a clear and cohesive introduction and conclusion. Both parts should clearly state the position and summarize the key points made in the essay. Ensure your introduction briefly presents the topic and your stance, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the arguments without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. However, avoid overusing them as they may disrupt readability. Strive for a balance between plain and complex sentence structures for clear communication of ideas.
task achievement
Address the prompt fully by developing your arguments comprehensively. Your essay should cover all aspects of the question, clearly state your position, thoroughly support your main points, and include relevant examples. Avoid generalizations and strive to provide specific details that underline your arguments.
task achievement
Enhance the clarity of your essay by elaborating on your ideas more extensively. Aim to explain and support each point with reasoned arguments, clear exposition, and where appropriate, relevant examples.
task achievement
Incorporate specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. Examples should be directly linked to the argument made and help illustrate the point more clearly. Avoid vague references and ensure that your examples are pertinent and enhance the reader's understanding of your stance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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