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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #information #activities #development
In an age of rapid development of
technology
, there are more and more individuals rely on digital
technology
. Communities tend to pay, shop, and socialise online nowadays,
thus
, they have to leave private
information
 on the apps.
Although
 it might be dangerous to our security, I believe there more advantages than disadvantages. First and foremost, on the positive side, the convenience brought by
technology
 is significant.
For instance
, in China, almost every store can pay with a mobile phone, and
also
, get a cab online. When it comes to online shopping, South Korea’s supermarket provides fresh food and fast delivery service.
Moreover
, people can make new friends
also
 keep in touch with old fellows through social media. Take my dad
for example
, he used to reject signing up for every social media, because he thought it was too insecure to put his personal
information
 online.
However
, after I signed up for him and found his classmates from his elementary school, he started to adopt high
technology
.
Furthermore
, the actions above not only save time
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 cut down carbon footprints by not using that much paper.
However
, the risk of offering private
information
 to those app companies can’t be denied.
For instance
, we often get a phone call from scam gangs, because our personal data has been sold. What is the worst, problem from hackers, spread pictures or other material that hurts the phone owners
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 In conclusion,
while
 there are some hazards of putting one self’s personal
information
 online, the benefits of
this
 new technique actually make the world progress.
Submitted by vivian901014 on

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Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction properly paraphrases the question and presents a clear thesis statement indicating your view. The conclusion should effectively summarize the main points of the essay without introducing new information.
Body Paragraphs
Develop your ideas fully by expanding on the examples you present. Ensure that each body paragraph contains one central idea and that the idea is fleshed out with sufficient detail and analysis.
Cohesion
Work on linking ideas more naturally and cohesively. Use a range of cohesive devices to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Response
Focus on responding to all parts of the task prompt. Make sure to address the reasons behind the development and its implications, positive or negative, as per the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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