IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railyway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believ ethe money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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Some say that funds should be spent on constructing new
railways
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 and fast
trains
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 between different regions,
while
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 others would argue that funds should be used for existing public
transport
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.
This
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 essay will argue that
although
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 improving existing public
transport
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 can connect different parts of a city,
people
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 can get to other
places
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 quicker with fast
trains
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 and
railways
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. On the one hand, improving public
transport
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 allows
people
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 to get to more
places
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.
This
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 is because there are individuals who do not have a driving license, so the only option they have is to use public
transport
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. In some nations, it is difficult to get to the countryside by public
transport
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 or using Uber and Cabify, so with better public
transport
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,
people
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 will be able to move easily inside the city.
For example
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, in many countries, there is no public
transport
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 or only a few of them every day,
this
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 makes it difficult for
people
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 to get to other
places
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.
However
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, I believe constructing new
railways
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 can
also
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 solve
this
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 problem.
On the other hand
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, constructing new
railways
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 and fast
trains
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 between cities, allow
people
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 to get to their destination quicker. So the time that
people
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 spend travelling will reduce and efficiency will increase.
This
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 will lead to economic benefits as businesses will have greater access to markets.
Also
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, nowadays many
people
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 are working in
places
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 far away from their families, and the construction of fast
trains
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 allows these
people
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 to be with their families.
For instance
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, there are many fast
trains
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 between Chinese cities, in normal public
transport
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, it takes around 4 hours to travel from Shenzhen to Hong Kong, but with fast
trains
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, it only takes approximately 30 minutes. In my opinion,
this
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 point of view is preferable because
people
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 do not need to waste long journeys travelling. In conclusion,
although
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 public
transport
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 can connect
places
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 around cities, new railway lines and fast
trains
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 reduce the time spent travelling, and
this
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 is why, is better to construct new railway lines and fast
trains
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay presents a clear argument throughout, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. While you have generally managed to do this, more explicit linking between ideas and better paragraphing could enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
While you provided an introduction and conclusion, they could be strengthened by more explicitly stating the essay's argument in the introduction and summarizing the main points in the conclusion. Doing so will provide a stronger bookend for your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Support each of your main points with detailed examples or evidence. In this essay, the examples provided are somewhat general and could be more specific or developed further to illustrate your points more convincingly.
task achievement
A more comprehensive response is required to fully address all parts of the task. Make sure to fully discuss both views and your opinion throughout the essay. While your essay provides a juxtaposition of both views and gives an opinion, there is room for deeper exploration and better integration of these components.
task achievement
Ensure that the ideas presented are clearly expressed and comprehensively developed. In some parts of the essay, the argument could be articulated more clearly to reflect a better understanding of the topic. Seek to enhance the clarity of your main ideas by refining your sentence structures and vocabulary choices.
task achievement
Provide relevant and specific examples to support your points. Aim to include a wider range of examples and ensure they are directly related to the point being made. The examples given need to be clear and more detailed to substantiate your arguments effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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