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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?

#governments #improvements #healthcare #system #health #countries #effects
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Recently, in spite of great efforts to improve healthcare institutions in most high-income countries, the rate of individuals' physical
health
 is declining. The sedentary worker and the change of entertainment have played major responsibilities for it. By examining these causes
this
 essay will predict whether it is a positive development or not.
This
 is an unrefuted fact that an increasing number of employees
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need to do inactive positions.
This
 is because, with the development of technology, the public has been using machines to finish their tasks.
For instance
, staff can control cranes to complete heavy lifting by sitting at a control panel.
Hence
, more workers do not need to spend much physical energy during the working process.
Moreover
, if most of the younger workers attend desk-based jobs, the special generation likely suffer from chronic disease (e.g., obesity) in the future. The second significant reason is that people's recreation is transforming from physical activities to indoor
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 since various entertainments just need players to finish in rooms,
such
 as playing electric games, enjoying TV shows, reading books, and so on.
Furthermore
, these new recreations are more attractive compared with outdoor activities,
such
 as ball games, hiking, and swimming.
Therefore
, recently, more citizens are not willing to practice their bodies. Meaning they have more chances to get poor
health
 as soon as possible. The gist of the matter is that
although
 the authorities tried their best to improve individuals' physical
health
 conditions in most developed countries by developing healthcare systems, the standard of physical
health
 is falling. Based on a deeper check of
this
 fact, a great pool of people prefer indoor fun activities and working computer-based position are the primary reasons.
In addition
, it will lead to
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 personal unhealthy future for modern society.
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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your essay contains a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction could provide more background information and clearly state the complexities of the topic. While your conclusion is present, it could more effectively summarize the main points and address the long-term effects as referred to in the prompt.
logical structure
Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth and clear, guiding the reader through your argument effectively. Aim for a better flow of ideas by organizing your points logically and expanding on them with more depth and complexity where appropriate.
supported main points
Back up your main points with detailed and specific examples. Incorporate a wider range of evidence and anecdotes to enhance the persuasiveness and depth of your arguments. This will also demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
complete response
Address all aspects of the task by providing a well-rounded analysis of both the potential reasons and the long-term effects of the decreasing standard of physical health. Make sure to focus more directly on the task prompt to achieve a complete and fully developed response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify and expand your ideas for better understanding. Aim to develop clear and comprehensive arguments with explicit reasoning and support for each point made, avoiding general statements. Add more precision to your discussion by refining your ideas and explanations.
relevant specific examples
Include more relevant and specific examples that directly support your points. Utilize a wider range of detailed evidence to substantiate your arguments, ensuring that your examples are pertinent to the topic and contribute to a stronger task achievement score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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