IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them.

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
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The average weight of the community is increasing
while
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 the level of
health
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 and physical condition is decreasing in some countries. I believe that the low self-
awareness
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due to
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 the healthy lifestyle and the high cost of healthy
food
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 are the main reasons for
this
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 situation. The government can overcome
this
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 problem by increasing education regarding the importance of a healthy lifestyle and regulating licensing for
junk
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food
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 businesses. Increasing obesity rates and declining public
health
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due to
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 unhealthy living habits
such
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 as
lack
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 of physical activity and poor diet are widespread in society
due to
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 a
lack
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 of public
awareness
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. The large number of
junk
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food
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 business franchises spread across various countries is a clear example of the high demand in society
due to
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 a
lack
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 of
awareness
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 about
health
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. Apart from that, habits
such
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 as watching TV or playing games all day and the tendency to ride a vehicle are
also
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 examples of
people
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's bad habits which make them overweight. That's why
people
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's
health
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 is declining in several countries and obesity rates are increasing. The government has a big role in solving
this
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 problem by socializing the importance of a healthy lifestyle and setting regulations for the
junk
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food
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 business.
Health
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 education in the community must
also
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 be accompanied by
health
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-supporting
facilities
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such
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 as sports-friendly parks and adequate pedestrian
facilities
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. The availability of these
facilities
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 will encourage
people
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 to do more physical activity. Regulation of the
junk
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food
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 business must
also
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 be improved,
such
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 as limiting the quantity distributed and increasing the price, so that
people
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 will prefer healthy
food
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. In conclusion, low public
awareness
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 of the importance of
health
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 and
lack
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 of physical activity in society are the main causes of increasing obesity rates and declining public
health
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.
However
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,
this
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 problem can be solved by the government by increasing
awareness
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 of
health
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 and
health
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 support
facilities
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,
as well as
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 regulating the spread of
junk
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food
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 businesses in the country.
Submitted by diyolory on

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introduction conclusion present
While the introduction is present, it does not adequately paraphrase the task or precisely outline the main points that will be discussed, which is essential for a higher score. Ensure the introduction sets a clear framework for the essay.
logical structure
The essay possesses a basic logical structure but lacks clear progression in some parts. Consider enhancing the organization by using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly signal the main agenda of each paragraph.
supported main points
Main points are mentioned but not fully supported with specific detail or examples. To improve, incorporate detailed examples and explanations that directly relate to the points you are making.
complete response
The response is fairly complete but falls short of fully developing the answers to the task prompts. Expand on the ideas with more depth and detail to provide a thoroughly explored discussion.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented are clear, although the development into comprehensive arguments needs further work. Improve by clearly elaborating on how the points made contribute to answering the prompts of the task, and by connecting them together more cohesively.
relevant specific examples
The essay includes examples but they are not sufficiently specific or fully relevant. To enhance the response, use clear and explicitly relevant examples to support your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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