IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, plenty of
people
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 are becoming totally overweight and society come up with a solution that the cost of fattening foods should be made expensive so that it will reduce overweight folks.
However
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, in
this
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 essay, I tend to disagree with the statement and I will explain some reasons regarding
this
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.
To begin
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 with, our mass of body is our own responsibility. The problem is not with the
food
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, but the habits of the individuals.
Thus
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, the best suggestion is not to increase the price of the foods, but how can we maintain our health in terms of controlling our desire to eat, get some exercise, and commit to it.
Moreover
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, there is no guarantee if the price of
food
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 with higher fat is high,
people
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 will stop consuming it.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by the Ministry of Health of the Republic of Indonesia said that 50% of All You Can Eat Restaurant's customers are
people
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 with a range of weight from 80 to 90 kilograms. So, it means
people
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 who are having overweight bodies are aware of their condition but still choose to eat a lot of meat which contains so many fats .
On the other hand
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, we cannot force the companies who are selling fast
food
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 to raise the fees when the major problem is on us. It will impact the profit
as well as
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 the employees who work there.
For example
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, a chicken company in Indonesia, namely Chicken Mash Bensu is increasing the price of the dishes by 3%,
while
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 they are hoping to make more profit, the situation is getting worse because they suddenly lost numerous customers, and after 6 months, the brand is bankrupt.
To sum up
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, I strongly disagree with the idea of blaming the fattening
food
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 and
then
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 asking them to adjust their value in the hope we will stop buying it
instead
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 of adopting a healthy diet when our load of body is getting wider.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea, and avoid overly long sentences that may confuse the reader. Aim for clarity and precision in your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument, and to clearly indicate the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Provide a clear introduction that outlines your perspective on the topic, and ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the arguments you've made.
task achievement
Make sure to address the prompt fully, reflecting on all parts of the question in your response to achieve a higher score.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully, making your argument clear and comprehensive. Use specific reasons and examples to support your points.
task achievement
Enhance your response by incorporating a range of relevant examples and ensuring they are specific enough to effectively support your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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