“A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?“

#“a #people #amount #violence #tv #cinema #actions #increases #society

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?

The matter of

violence

in our youth is a concerning matter. I believe the

violence

shown on TV and in the cinema does actually affect our young people. I think there should be less

violence

in our

movies

in general. If

movies

could be used to provide positive effects,

Then

It should be believed they could produce negative results too. As an example,

Movies

in India have a lot of action pieces. They

also

have lots of revolts and fighting against the upper class. The Indian government believes that

theses

Correct your spelling

these

show examples

movies

would make the young people try to act as more of a patriot. So I

belive

Correct your spelling

believe

show examples

If we want to reach something, We should at least try to Influence them in our youth. There is

also

the problem of normalizing

violence

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

can be seen in almost every action movie. A child would simply try to

cpy

Correct your spelling

copy

his heroes and act as they do.

this

could lead to

aggresive

Correct your spelling

aggressive

behavior

Change the spelling

behaviour

show examples

Correct your spelling

and

show examples

a lot of backlash from his parents and

authoritive

Correct your spelling

authoritative

figures. There is no need to give them a way to copy

this

behavior

Change the spelling

behaviour

show examples

and try to look different from the norm. I believe

this

desentization

Correct your spelling

desensitization

of youth would lead to terrifying results. We should take control of the matter and devise more parental supervision before everything falls apart. There should be more regulations against harmful content to stop our children

idolizing

Change preposition

from idolizing

show examples

these

Correct determiner usage

this

show examples

sort of way of life.

Submitted by mohamad.sanaye462 on Sat Nov 25 2023

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task achievement

Your essay provides a general standpoint on the topic but lacks detail, which is necessary for a high-scoring IELTS essay. Ensure each paragraph clearly states its main idea and develops it with specific examples or further explanation. This aids in creating a clear argument throughout your essay.

coherence cohesion

Your essay begins with a clear opinion which is good; however, it does not offer a clear conclusion that summarizes your points and reiterates your stance. Make sure to include an introduction that sets the stage for your argument and a conclusion that wraps up your points effectively.

coherence cohesion

The essay lacks a logical progression of ideas with clear and purposeful paragraphs. Think about how to organize your ideas more clearly. Each paragraph should contain one main idea and be expanded upon in a logical manner, contributing to the overall argument or narrative, with clear use of discursive markers and transition phrases.

task achievement

Your essay would benefit from more relevant, specific examples to support your points. Examples are a powerful way of demonstrating that you understand the topic and can think critically about it. You can draw from real-life situations, studies, or hypothetical scenarios that are clearly related to the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

3
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

240 words

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