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Band 3.5

“A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?“

#“a #people #amount #violence #tv #cinema #actions #increases #society
The matter of
violence
 in our youth is a concerning matter. I believe the
violence
 shown on TV and in the cinema does actually affect our young people. I think there should be less
violence
 in our
movies
 in general. If
movies
 could be used to provide positive effects,
Then
 It should be believed they could produce negative results too. As an example,
Movies
 in India have a lot of action pieces. They
also
 have lots of revolts and fighting against the upper class. The Indian government believes that
theses
Correct your spelling
these
show examples
movies
 would make the young people try to act as more of a patriot. So I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 If we want to reach something, We should at least try to Influence them in our youth. There is
also
 the problem of normalizing
violence
 as
It
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be seen in almost every action movie. A child would simply try to
cpy
Correct your spelling
copy
 his heroes and act as they do.
this
 could lead to
aggresive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 a lot of backlash from his parents and
authoritive
Correct your spelling
authoritative
 figures. There is no need to give them a way to copy
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and try to look different from the norm. I believe
this
desentization
Correct your spelling
desensitization
 of youth would lead to terrifying results. We should take control of the matter and devise more parental supervision before everything falls apart. There should be more regulations against harmful content to stop our children
idolizing
Change preposition
from idolizing
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 sort of way of life.
Submitted by mohamad.sanaye462 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general standpoint on the topic but lacks detail, which is necessary for a high-scoring IELTS essay. Ensure each paragraph clearly states its main idea and develops it with specific examples or further explanation. This aids in creating a clear argument throughout your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay begins with a clear opinion which is good; however, it does not offer a clear conclusion that summarizes your points and reiterates your stance. Make sure to include an introduction that sets the stage for your argument and a conclusion that wraps up your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a logical progression of ideas with clear and purposeful paragraphs. Think about how to organize your ideas more clearly. Each paragraph should contain one main idea and be expanded upon in a logical manner, contributing to the overall argument or narrative, with clear use of discursive markers and transition phrases.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more relevant, specific examples to support your points. Examples are a powerful way of demonstrating that you understand the topic and can think critically about it. You can draw from real-life situations, studies, or hypothetical scenarios that are clearly related to the question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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