IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

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Despite the advancement in agricultural technology, many people across the globe still suffer from hunger.
This
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 phenomenon is caused by low productivity because
farmers
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 cannot afford things to enhance their
production
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due to
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 financial issues. In response to
this
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 problem,
this
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 essay proposes the government’s role to interfere and support the local farmer in maximizing the amount of local
production
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.
Farmers
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 around the world do not have the same financial ability to afford agricultural supporting goods.
This
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 is to say, some
farmers
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 still use the traditional way to manage their land
thus
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 they can not maximize the result.
For example
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, some
farmers
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 use fertilizer and insecticides to promote their plants’ growth and to prevent insects from eating their plants.
However
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, some of them witness financial difficulty in affording these agricultural goods.
Thus
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 their plants cannot optimally grow
due to
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 lack of nutrients and the inteferention of animals.
This
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 causes a lower amount of produce and cannot meet the demands. The solution to
this
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 problem is to give financial aid, especially the
farmers
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 who have limited funds. The local government can provide cash to them or supply fertilizers and insecticides for those who need them. By doing so, the amount of crops produced by the local
farmers
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 will increase and
thus
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 will
able
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be able
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 to meet the market demands.
For instance
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, the municipality of Bantul provided
aids
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aid
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 for
farmers
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 through supplying free fertilizers in 2021. In the following months, the authorities recorded there was an increase in the local
production
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 of rice. In conclusion, hunger in many areas can be caused by people’s limited budget which hinders their
production
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.
Therefore
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, the authorities’ role in providing aid for them is needed to increase local
production
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.

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Task Achievement
To enhance Task Achievement, you need to delve deeper into the problem and offer a more detailed explanation. Focusing on financial difficulty alone is somewhat simplistic; there are other contributing factors such as political instability, war, climate change, distribution issues, and food waste that should be considered. While your essay does address the question, providing a broader range of causes and solutions would demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've structured your essay with an introduction and a conclusion. However, your ideas are presented in a somewhat disorganized manner. Main points should be separated clearly into paragraphs, and they need to be supported with more specific examples and explanations. Transition words and phrases should be used more effectively to move from one idea to another and to establish clear relationships between them.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • inequality
  • distribution
  • access to resources
  • climate change
  • natural disasters
  • political factors
  • economic factors
  • agricultural practices
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • population growth
  • education
  • knowledge
  • food waste
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