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Band 5

In some countries, companies allow people to work from home. In others, people are still expected to work in an office. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#countries #companies #people #work #home #office
In some nations, corporations allow
individuals
 to
work
 remotely
while
 others expect folks to
work
 from the
office
.
Although
 working remotely can reduce the
company
 expenses,I believe working at the headquarters could increase
productivity
 which leads to more benefits to the firm. Remote working could benefit enterprises by pushing down their expenditure.
This
 is because
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working from home
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
could reduce the
company
's operational
bill
Fix the agreement mistake
bills
show examples
such
 as electricity. Other than that, companies could
also
 cut down transportation and food incentives for their workers since they no longer
commuting
Wrong verb form
commute
show examples
 to the workplace and
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
office
 dishes.
For example
, a
company
 in Surabaya, Indonesia has a positive yearly financial report by reducing their operational costs after they allowed the employee to
work
 remotely.
However
, I think that the
productivity
 boost is more important than reducing
financial
Correct article usage
the financial
show examples
 burden.
On the other hand
, allowing
individuals
 to come to the workplace could boost
productivity
.
This
 is because people have better ideas on how to solve their
work
 problems by discussing and working
together with
 their workmates physically. Research conducted by The University of Edinburgh in 2022 stated that people who
work
 hand in hand with their workmates in the
office
 have higher fruitfulness and a higher chance to be promoted by 20% rather than folks working
individuals
 at home.
Furthermore
, increasing employee
productivity
 could
also
 lead to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in profitability and maintaining innovation and sustainability. Research conducted in Indonesia
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 stated that a
company
 increased their profit by 5% yearly after they hired a group of people with high
productivity
 and allowed them to
work
 from the
office
.
Therefore
, I believe that working in the
office
 would not only be beneficial for
individuals
 but
also
 for the
company
.
To conclude
, despite the fact that remote working is beneficial by reducing operational costs, in my view increasing workers’
productivity
 by working in the
office
 is better because it leads to increasing
company
 earnings.
Submitted by rizkyrizalzal on

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task achievement
The essay presents both views and your opinion as required by the task, but there seems to be a slight imbalance, with less development for the view supporting remote work. Ensure both sides of the argument are equally explored before stating your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay does show a logical progression of ideas but can benefit from better transitions between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next. Work on varying your linking words and phrases for improved cohesion.
task achievement
You provided examples, but some are not fully convincing or are too general. Use specific, detailed examples to support your main points and be sure they are directly relevant to the argument you're making.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. However, they could be strengthened. The introduction should more clearly state the opinion you will defend, and the conclusion should be more reflective and summarize your points more effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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