IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that students should acquire working experience during their gap year instead of travelling. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and include relevant examples

#people #students #gap #year
It is thought that pupils have to
work
 in their
gap
year
instead
 of going abroad in order to get some experience of the working environment. In
this
 essay, my opinion will be illustrated
in addition
 to some justifications.
To begin
 with,some people suggest that
students
 have to spend a great deal of time in their
gap
year
 to be quite familiar with the working atmosphere. To illustrate
this
, take a clear example in Japan, a lot of private companies are occupied by
students
. The number of unemployees decreased significantly in the
last
 few years which is to some extent caused by
this
 strategy.Not only
this
, but some major companies achieved some profits. So as to the given reason, it is a good chance for
students
 to
work
 in their
gap
year
.
However
, I am inclined to think neither. When it comes to the other view, it is not justified to provide educatees with working experience in their
gap
year
. In order to get
students
 with clear and fresh dogma they have to spend a great deal of time with some leisure activities like traveling.
Therefore
, they should travel to pick up a good mindset. What is more, nowadays, a significant number of
students
 suffer from stress and anxiety because of studying and
work
. So, what is the best approach for
this
 dilemma is travel,
according to
 psychologist experts.So as not to struggle with these diseases,
students
 have to go abroad in their
gap
year
.
Moreover
, If the
students
work
 in their
gap
year
, the head manager will provide them with a low stipend and
this
 is partially
due to
 they don't have enough experience.
Therefore
, they can seized for illegal activities.
According to
 the aforementioned reasons, I am fairly certain
students
 must not
work
 on their
gap
year
. Through the analysis of
this
 topic, it is obvious
students
 have to enjoy their
gap
year
 in order to fulfil their potential and not be taken advantage of by some people.
Submitted by nadeenelkenawy4425 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is developed logically. Use transition words and phrases to ensure smooth flow from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure an introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay. The introduction should clearly state the essay's thesis, while the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with clear supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and include evidence or examples to back up the points made.
task achievement
Make sure to address the prompt fully and provide a complete response to the task. Clearly state your opinion and use arguments that are relevant to the prompt.
task achievement
Organize your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea and that all ideas are thoroughly explored and well-explained.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to reinforce your arguments. These examples should clearly illustrate the points you are making and be directly related to the task at hand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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