IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that students should acquire working experience during their gap year instead of travelling. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion and include relevant examples

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It is thought that pupils have to
work
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 in their
gap
Use synonyms
year
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instead
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 of going abroad in order to get some experience of the working environment. In
this
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 essay, my opinion will be illustrated
in addition
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 to some justifications.
To begin
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 with,some people suggest that
students
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 have to spend a great deal of time in their
gap
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year
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 to be quite familiar with the working atmosphere. To illustrate
this
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, take a clear example in Japan, a lot of private companies are occupied by
students
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. The number of unemployees decreased significantly in the
last
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 few years which is to some extent caused by
this
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 strategy.Not only
this
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, but some major companies achieved some profits. So as to the given reason, it is a good chance for
students
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 to
work
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 in their
gap
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year
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.
However
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, I am inclined to think neither. When it comes to the other view, it is not justified to provide educatees with working experience in their
gap
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year
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. In order to get
students
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 with clear and fresh dogma they have to spend a great deal of time with some leisure activities like traveling.
Therefore
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, they should travel to pick up a good mindset. What is more, nowadays, a significant number of
students
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 suffer from stress and anxiety because of studying and
work
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. So, what is the best approach for
this
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 dilemma is travel,
according to
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 psychologist experts.So as not to struggle with these diseases,
students
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 have to go abroad in their
gap
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year
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.
Moreover
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, If the
students
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work
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 in their
gap
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year
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, the head manager will provide them with a low stipend and
this
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 is partially
due to
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 they don't have enough experience.
Therefore
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, they can seized for illegal activities.
According to
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 the aforementioned reasons, I am fairly certain
students
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 must not
work
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 on their
gap
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year
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. Through the analysis of
this
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 topic, it is obvious
students
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 have to enjoy their
gap
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year
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 in order to fulfil their potential and not be taken advantage of by some people.

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is developed logically. Use transition words and phrases to ensure smooth flow from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Ensure an introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay. The introduction should clearly state the essay's thesis, while the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with clear supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and include evidence or examples to back up the points made.
task achievement
Make sure to address the prompt fully and provide a complete response to the task. Clearly state your opinion and use arguments that are relevant to the prompt.
task achievement
Organize your ideas clearly and comprehensively. Ensure that each paragraph has a central idea and that all ideas are thoroughly explored and well-explained.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to reinforce your arguments. These examples should clearly illustrate the points you are making and be directly related to the task at hand.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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