IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

International tourism has become a huge industry in the world. Do the problems of international travel outweigh its advantages?

#tourism #industry #world #travel
It is commonly believed that worldwide
tourism
 has become the leading
sector
 in many countries, even though it
also
 caused numerous detrimental impacts, and the elaboration of those sides will be elaborated in
this
 essay. On the
one
 hand, the hospitality
sector
 caused massive harmful effects on some sectors
due to
tourism
 activities.
Firstly
, tourists or excursionists can vacation in some destinations and
and
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
they do social communication with the local community.
Hence
,
this
 circumstance could affect acculturation, and influence snowball effects,
such
 as degradation of local culture. Taking
Bali
 as an example, the best
destination
 in the world has been experiencing acculturation, and it caused some of the locals to change their habits. In
Bali
, the hosts are prohibited
to recolor
Change preposition
from recoloring
show examples
 their hair.
Nonetheless
, since
this
destination
 has been visited by a lot of tourists who have hair blonde, brown, and red,
this
 affects the new colour trend for local people, and they did recolour their hair.
Secondly
, it
also
 had a negative effect on the environment of
Bali
’s
destination
. The numerous tourists who come to
Bali
also
 contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 waste. As an illustration, suburbs in
Bali
 only get the rubbish
as a consequence
 of
tourism
 activities, even though these suburbs are not tourist
destination
 areas. Because of
this
, suburbs are suffering because of tourist waste. On the
one
 hand, admittedly,
tourism
also
 has a lot of positive effects on destinations.
This
sector
 gives a massive number of foreign exchanges, and it rockets increased the number of regional incomes. Putting Yogyakarta city as a model,
this
one
 of
destinations
Correct article usage
the destinations
show examples
 in Indonesia has become a big cultural
tourism
destination
 in South East Asia, and
succesfully
Correct your spelling
successfully
 increased the regional income by the hospitality
sector
.
Hence
, the rise of growth in regional income in
this
 city is used to improve
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the welfare of local society, buildings, and transportation.
To conclude
,
although
 the
tourism
sector
 is
one
 of the leading sectors in
this
 world, it still has disadvantages that outweigh the advantages as aforementioned above.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay exhibits a basic structure, but could benefit greatly from a clearer introduction and conclusion, stating the issue and summarizing the main points more definitively.
Sentence Structure
While the main ideas are identifiable, you should work on crafting more coherent and complex sentences to improve the readability and the logical flow of paragraphs.
Paragraph Structure
A more delineated paragraph structure would enhance the overall coherence. Each paragraph should clearly represent a single main idea with supporting details.
Development of Ideas
Your response reflects understanding of the task. However, a more comprehensive development of your argument with clear supporting ideas would strengthen your position on the issue.
Supporting Examples
Provide more diverse and detailed examples to back up your arguments. Ensure the examples are clearly connected to the point they're intended to support.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: