IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

International tourism has become a huge industry in the world. Do the problems of international travel outweigh its advantages?

#tourism #industry #world #travel
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It is commonly believed that worldwide
tourism
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 has become the leading
sector
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 in many countries, even though it
also
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 caused numerous detrimental impacts, and the elaboration of those sides will be elaborated in
this
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 essay. On the
one
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 hand, the hospitality
sector
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 caused massive harmful effects on some sectors
due to
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tourism
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 activities.
Firstly
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, tourists or excursionists can vacation in some destinations and
and
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
they do social communication with the local community.
Hence
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,
this
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 circumstance could affect acculturation, and influence snowball effects,
such
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 as degradation of local culture. Taking
Bali
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 as an example, the best
destination
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 in the world has been experiencing acculturation, and it caused some of the locals to change their habits. In
Bali
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, the hosts are prohibited
to recolor
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from recoloring
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 their hair.
Nonetheless
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, since
this
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destination
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 has been visited by a lot of tourists who have hair blonde, brown, and red,
this
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 affects the new colour trend for local people, and they did recolour their hair.
Secondly
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, it
also
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 had a negative effect on the environment of
Bali
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’s
destination
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. The numerous tourists who come to
Bali
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also
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 contribute
in
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to
show examples
 waste. As an illustration, suburbs in
Bali
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 only get the rubbish
as a consequence
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 of
tourism
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 activities, even though these suburbs are not tourist
destination
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 areas. Because of
this
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, suburbs are suffering because of tourist waste. On the
one
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 hand, admittedly,
tourism
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also
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 has a lot of positive effects on destinations.
This
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sector
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 gives a massive number of foreign exchanges, and it rockets increased the number of regional incomes. Putting Yogyakarta city as a model,
this
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one
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 of
destinations
Correct article usage
the destinations
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 in Indonesia has become a big cultural
tourism
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destination
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 in South East Asia, and
succesfully
Correct your spelling
successfully
 increased the regional income by the hospitality
sector
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.
Hence
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, the rise of growth in regional income in
this
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 city is used to improve
on
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apply
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the welfare of local society, buildings, and transportation.
To conclude
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,
although
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 the
tourism
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sector
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 is
one
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 of the leading sectors in
this
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 world, it still has disadvantages that outweigh the advantages as aforementioned above.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay exhibits a basic structure, but could benefit greatly from a clearer introduction and conclusion, stating the issue and summarizing the main points more definitively.
Sentence Structure
While the main ideas are identifiable, you should work on crafting more coherent and complex sentences to improve the readability and the logical flow of paragraphs.
Paragraph Structure
A more delineated paragraph structure would enhance the overall coherence. Each paragraph should clearly represent a single main idea with supporting details.
Development of Ideas
Your response reflects understanding of the task. However, a more comprehensive development of your argument with clear supporting ideas would strengthen your position on the issue.
Supporting Examples
Provide more diverse and detailed examples to back up your arguments. Ensure the examples are clearly connected to the point they're intended to support.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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