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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average years of schooling in four countries from 1900 to 2000

The graph below shows the average years of schooling in four countries from 1900 to 2000
The graph illustrates the average of
students
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 in
Vietnamese
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 going abroad to study in three
particulars
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particular countries
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country
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 from 2000 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that
at
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in
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 the first year of
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period
Correct article usage
the period
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, France was the most popular
country
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 in
Vietname
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Vietnam
 to study abroad, following next were
Rusia
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Russia
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 and America respectively.
Then
Linking Words
, the rank
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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changed to
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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America, as the highest
country
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 receiving
Vietnamese
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students
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 and the winner of the starting
period
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 switched to second place, followed by
Rusia
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Russia
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. In terms of the
Vietnamese
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students
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, at the start of the
period
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, France gained a high popularity and got approximately 3.5
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millions
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million
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Vietnamese
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students
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 studying there. The total
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students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
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 from Vietnam studying in France
then
Linking Words
 remained the same from 2005 to 2010 before
increased
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increasing
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 to around 4.5
at the end
Linking Words
 of
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period
Add an article
the period
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.
While
Linking Words
,
Rusia
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Russia
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 which acquired exactly 3
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millions
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million
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of
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apply
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Vietnamese
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students
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 in 2000, experienced a decline in the number of
Vietnamese
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students
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 to below 2
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millions
Change to singular
million
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 in 2010 but
finally
Linking Words
 could
increased
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increase
be increased
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 again to 2.5
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millions
Change to singular
million
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 in 2015.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the number of
Vietnamese
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students
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 in America which was the smallest among
three
Correct article usage
the three
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 particular countries, witnessed a rise during the
period
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 given until reached a peak at precisely 5
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millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
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of
Change preposition
apply
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students
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 and became the highest
country
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 having
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
Vietnamese students
a Vietnamese student
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Vietnamese
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students
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at the end
Linking Words
 of
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period
Add an article
the period
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, vietnamese, country, period, millions with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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