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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#two #show #sales #sectors #canada #information #features #comparisons
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The two
chart
Change to a plural noun
charts
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 compares four retail
Change noun form
categories'
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categories
Change noun form
categories'
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 online sales percentage distribution in Canada between 2005 and 2010.
Overall
, it can be seen that
food
 and beverage saw an increase,
while
 home furnishings significantly decreased in 2005. In 2005, the electronics gadget(35%) and home furniture(25%) occupied the first and second place.
conversely
, they reduced by 5% and 10%,
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
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 30%,
15
Correct word choice
and 15
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% respectively in 2010.
However
,
food
 and beverage video games were really closed, which
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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18% and 22% respectively.
by
Capitalize word
By
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 contrast,
food
 and drink in
people
Change noun form
people's
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 choice increased by 10%, which reached 32% ,
while
become
Change the verb form
becoming
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 the
most
Replace the word
more
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 popular product than other stuff in 2010, and video game significantly climbed to 23%. Compared
the
Change preposition
to the
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 two period for the four categories popularity among online shoppers, electronics gadget and appliance was
most
Correct article usage
the most
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 important in
2005
Correct article usage
the 2005
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retails
Wrong verb form
retail
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sectors
Change the noun form
sector
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 percentage, it
was contrasting
Wrong verb form
contrasted
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 with the video game, which almost less than a double. Indicates that home furniture was second place in 2005, at the same time
food
 and drink was less than by 3% with them. But, in 2010,
this
Change the determiner
these
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 figures were changed, furniture became the lowest choice, and
food
 and drink
becoming
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 the most popular choice.
Submitted by ur790609922 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words food with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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