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Band 4.5

Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information in many countries. This is a danger to our societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#technology #access #information #countries #danger #societies
Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to
information
 in many countries.
This
 is a danger to our
societies
. Accessibility to raw
data
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has been provided on web pages is not controllable and might bring unexpected results for countries ,
for example
, personal privacy breaking by some users , social-political documentaries could be a source of conflict between the public contrary to other
groups
,
however
, classifying
data
 in a long
time
 will stop innovation and creativity to progress
societies
 ,so , in some aspects, I agree with the main hypothesis that some sort of
data
 might be dangerous for us if It has not and speedy and controls on that.I will extend ideas in the following sentences. Transforming pieces of
information
 through
web
Add an article
the web
show examples
 are more convenient method because it has speedy much of
information
Correct article usage
the information
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not classified properly ,so , it can be a source of chaos in the human mind and push uncontrollable behaviour in users ,
for example
, when some companies want to prompt their importance by increasing suddenly in their goods ,only professionals in economic know that
this
 is a scam news but speedy distribution of news for many people can push stress and turn on the unwanted behaviour like shopping and saving these goods and it might be a source of traffic inflation and blockage streets ,so , emergency hospital machines could not be able give their services in
time
 and the rate of sudden death is going to high ,in
finally
, you have a false
data
 because of speedy uncontrollable
data
 in the first plot . In another aspect, access to
information
 is more favourable among
societies
 , because , they can develop the border of knowledge and find the solutions to many problems ,
however
, when different
groups
 of society have access to
data
 without
cautious
Replace the word
caution
show examples
,they can interrupt the efforts of other
groups
 in the same
time
 ,
for example
 , physicians are working on some viruses that can be transformed genetical basis in some ethnics group , if , in a same
time
 lawyers are working o discrimination studies on ethnic
groups
 , they are more confused about some actions in the first group ,so ,accessible without control and speedy might be created unwanted fighting among
groups
 . In conclusion , I believe classifying and arrangement patiently are better than speedy and unlimited accessibility to
data
 for
societies
.
Submitted by h.ebrahimi66 on

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structure
The essay structure is weak and difficult to follow. An introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion should be clearly defined. Each body paragraph should contain one main idea and subsequent supporting sentences. Consider using linking words to improve the logical flow.
development
Ideas are not developed with examples or clear explanation. It is essential to provide concrete examples or explanations to support your points. This adds clarity and persuasiveness to your argument.
grammar/vocab
There are multiple grammatical errors and the vocabulary is often misused, which significantly hinders the overall understanding of the essay. Proofread your response for errors and consider using a wider range of vocabulary appropriately.
task response
The essay partially addresses the prompt but fails to fully develop a clear position. Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and maintain a consistent stance throughout your essay.
examples
The content-related examples provided are vague and do not convincingly support the points made. Each body paragraph should be centered around one clear main idea with directly related examples.
conclusion
Your conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points of your essay or restate your position clearly. Make sure your conclusion encapsulates your overall argument concisely.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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