IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the twenty-first century electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 play
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 role in people’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
 adults especially
children
Use synonyms
 waste their
time
Use synonyms
 on computers,
phones
Use synonyms
 and TV.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that it is a negative development. The first reason why
this
Linking Words
 is negative is that
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 on electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 may impact human
health
Use synonyms
. In fact, electronic apparatuses emit blue
light
Use synonyms
, which exposes your eyes and body to high-energy blue
light
Use synonyms
. Blue
light
Use synonyms
 can contribute to digital eye strain,
also
Linking Words
 known as computer vision syndrome.
This
Linking Words
 can cause symptoms
such
Linking Words
 as dry eyes, headaches, blurred vision, and eye fatigue.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, Prolonged exposure to blue
light
Use synonyms
 on electronic
devices
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
phones
Use synonyms
 before bedtime can lead to difficulty falling asleep and reduced sleep quality.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that
children
Use synonyms
's psyches are just developing and
children
Use synonyms
 grow up with
phones
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 can cause problems in their mental
health
Use synonyms
 and social skills. Excessive use of smartphones, particularly on social media, can contribute to addiction, anxiety, and depression. Constant notifications and the pressure to stay connected may contribute to feelings of stress.
Children
Use synonyms
 use
phones
Use synonyms
 for communication
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may lead to reduced face-to-face interactions, contributing to feelings of social isolation and loneliness. As we found out, spending
time
Use synonyms
 on the phone, especially in
children
Use synonyms
, can cause problems with physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as headaches, dry eyes, depression, stress and so on. From there it follows that problems with social skills, work and study will appear, which will
then
Linking Words
 be difficult to solve. People, especially
children
Use synonyms
 supposed to know and
try
Add the particle
try to
show examples
 spend their
time
Use synonyms
 more useful even with electronic
devices
Use synonyms
 without causing harm to
health
Use synonyms
 and life.
Submitted by alima.arapova05 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a fair structure, but it could be strengthened by creating more logical connections between ideas. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link your sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Also, work on varying your sentence structures to enhance coherence.
task achievement
You addressed the essay topic and provided some main points and a conclusion. However, for a higher score, ensure that you fully develop your response to all parts of the task. Offer deeper insight and more detailed examples to support your arguments. The essay should also clearly distinguish between why children spend time on smartphones and whether this is positive or negative, elaborating on both aspects adequately.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: