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Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
In the twenty-first century electronic
devices
 play
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 role in people’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
therefore
 adults especially
children
 waste their
time
 on computers,
phones
 and TV.
This
 essay will argue that it is a negative development. The first reason why
this
 is negative is that
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
time
 on electronic
devices
 may impact human
health
. In fact, electronic apparatuses emit blue
light
, which exposes your eyes and body to high-energy blue
light
. Blue
light
 can contribute to digital eye strain,
also
 known as computer vision syndrome.
This
 can cause symptoms
such
 as dry eyes, headaches, blurred vision, and eye fatigue.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, Prolonged exposure to blue
light
 on electronic
devices
such
 as
phones
 before bedtime can lead to difficulty falling asleep and reduced sleep quality.
Secondly
,
due to
 the fact that
children
's psyches are just developing and
children
 grow up with
phones
,
this
 can cause problems in their mental
health
 and social skills. Excessive use of smartphones, particularly on social media, can contribute to addiction, anxiety, and depression. Constant notifications and the pressure to stay connected may contribute to feelings of stress.
Children
 use
phones
 for communication
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 may lead to reduced face-to-face interactions, contributing to feelings of social isolation and loneliness. As we found out, spending
time
 on the phone, especially in
children
, can cause problems with physical and mental
health
such
 as headaches, dry eyes, depression, stress and so on. From there it follows that problems with social skills, work and study will appear, which will
then
 be difficult to solve. People, especially
children
 supposed to know and
try
Add the particle
try to
show examples
 spend their
time
 more useful even with electronic
devices
 without causing harm to
health
 and life.
Submitted by alima.arapova05 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a fair structure, but it could be strengthened by creating more logical connections between ideas. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link your sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Also, work on varying your sentence structures to enhance coherence.
task achievement
You addressed the essay topic and provided some main points and a conclusion. However, for a higher score, ensure that you fully develop your response to all parts of the task. Offer deeper insight and more detailed examples to support your arguments. The essay should also clearly distinguish between why children spend time on smartphones and whether this is positive or negative, elaborating on both aspects adequately.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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