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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about the population of New Zealand between 2011 and 2012

The table below gives information about the population of New Zealand between 2011 and 2012
#information #population #zealand
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The given table illustrates the data related to
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of people
lived
Correct pronoun usage
who lived
show examples
 in New Zealand from 2011 to 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the most significant change was seen in the 65+
ages
Change the noun form
age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
, and the total population increased throughout
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
. In detail, the number of people who were
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under 15
years
Use synonyms
 old and between 15 and 39
years
Use synonyms
 old decreased 0.2% over the period. In terms of
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 between 15-39, which
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 the most crowded
group
Use synonyms
 in 2011, the population of
this
Linking Words
group
Use synonyms
 decreased from 1,520,000 to 1,500,000.
Additionally
Linking Words
, despite a slight decrease in
this
Linking Words
 field,
this
Linking Words
 age
group
Use synonyms
 represented the most crowded age
group
Use synonyms
 in 2012, too.
Number
Change the article
A number
The number
show examples
 of people who were between 40 and 64
years
Use synonyms
 old, and 65+
years
Use synonyms
 old rose, and their percentage of increase were 0,6% and 0,4%, respectively.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
total
Add an article
the total
show examples
 population increased
0,6
Change preposition
by 0,6
show examples
%
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and reached
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
4,460,000 from 4,400,000 over
this
Linking Words
 period.
Submitted by ilaydailday on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words group, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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