There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a results, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree
Nowadays, the majority of adolescents can be under pressure, as lots of people suppose, that in order to show excellent academic results in important subjects, schools have to exclude non-academic ones. I completely disagree with
this
statement, because I'm concerned that students should have a balanced schedule that allows them to develop in different directions and rest their brain
Linking Words
To begin
with, more often students have a pretty busy schedule at school. The average number of lessons is eight and I can't imagine how it is possible to have classes, Linking Words
such
as math, physics, and chemistry for all 8 hours consecutively. Your brain just simply doesn't work properly in Linking Words
this
scenario. That's why in schools pupils time table is diverse and consist of various types of classes, depending on the level of difficulty.
Not all of them want to become doctors. Linking Words
Nevertheless
, medicine is a vital and integral part of our lives, but that doesn't mean we all have to work and be a part of Linking Words
this
field. Linking Words
While
for medical staff it is crucial to be more aware of chemistry and math, for others it can be not so important, as they want to become artists or singers. It would be unfair for both groups to have 8 hours of only art or chemistry in a day. Linking Words
Thus
there is a specially created daily schedule, where you have an equal proportion of academic and non-academic classes, in order to receive knowledge Linking Words
that is
necessary to become a medical specialist or an artist.
Linking Words
To sum up
, I suppose that it would be foolishness to remove not academic subjects, as students have to take time for them to rest or in the meantime try themselves in another field.Linking Words
Submitted by dashasokolova068 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay maintains a clear and logical progression of ideas throughout. While your essay shows some degree of logical structure, you could improve by creating smoother transitions between points and clearly delineating each paragraph's main idea.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction and conclusion, make sure to clearly state your thesis and summarize your main points. Ensure that both sections are clearly presented. You have presented an introduction and conclusion, but they could be more impactful with clearer restatements of your position and stronger summarization of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should clearly support your main points with specific details and examples. While you make some good points, providing more relevant and specific examples will strengthen your arguments and help illustrate your ideas more vividly.
task achievement
You must fully answer the question and ensure all parts of the task are covered. You've addressed the main topic and provided a clear opinion, which is good. To enhance your score, you could provide a more nuanced argument, acknowledging views that differ from your own before refuting them with strong reasoning.
task achievement
Your ideas should be clear and well-explained throughout the essay. You've done well in explaining your viewpoint, although at times your ideas could be expressed more precisely. Clarity can be improved further by refining your sentence structure and vocabulary choice.
task achievement
Providing relevant examples is crucial to illustrate your point effectively. Although you've included some attempts at illustration, the inclusion of more relevant and detailed examples would greatly improve the strength of your argumentation.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.