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Band 3

today more tourists are visiting places where conditions are harsh. what are the advantages and disadvantages of such thing

#tourists #places #conditions
Nowadays, tourism is becoming more and more
actively
Change the word
active
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. People started to get interested in travelling, which is impressive.
However
, there are really dangerous
touristic
Replace the word
tourist
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 places that are not recommended going but they still visit there There is a small but very salty
lake
 called "Dead
lake
Capitalize word
Lake
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". It is called
like
Change preposition
apply
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that because of the amount of salt in
water
Add an article
the water
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 that if you opened your eyes under that water, your eyes would get injured badly.
And obviously
Correct word choice
Obviously
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, there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 no sea creatures, it is just a
lake
 with no possibility
life
Change preposition
of life
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 in there. But
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 people are really curious
with
Change preposition
about
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 that special
lake
 and every
years
Change to a singular noun
year
show examples
 they visit there and swim. In
small
Correct word choice
a short
show examples
 amount of time Dead
Lake
 became popular and posted in "Popular
places
Capitalize word
Places
show examples
 for
tourists
Capitalize word
Tourists
show examples
!" magazine.
Despite
Correct pronoun usage
Despite this
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, A lot of poor tourists died
while
 swimming in that
lake
. The possibility of those situations
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 people don't obey the rules and safety. They always get warned not to swim too far or drink, to look after kids etc. In the
end
Add a comma
end,
show examples
 they get in trouble
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 disobeying the rules or get
drown
Wrong verb form
drowned
show examples
 and die by choking
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 salty water.
To conclude
, tourists should take more responsibility
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their lives if they are going to travel in dangerous or unpopular places and not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
close
eyes
Correct pronoun usage
their eyes
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 rules because you can't predict what can happen there and because of your
fault
Fix the agreement mistake
faults
show examples
 guides will have to answer the reason of your silliness
Submitted by kamashzhazira on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks proper structure and does not clearly introduce or conclude the topic. It appears more as a series of loosely connected thoughts than a cohesive essay. Develop a clear introductory paragraph that presents the topic and outlines the advantages and disadvantages. Ensure that each body paragraph has a clear main idea that relates directly to the question and is further elaborated with supporting details or examples. Conclude with a paragraph summarizing the main points and providing a final comment on the issue.
task achievement
The response does not fully address the task, as it does not explicitly discuss the advantages and disadvantages of visiting places with harsh conditions. To improve, explicitly state advantages and disadvantages in separate paragraphs, provide clear and relevant examples to support each point, and ensure a balance between both aspects of the question. Additionally, expand on ideas instead of providing brief and unspecific statements, thus ensuring a more complete response to the prompt.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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