IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the government should provide assistance to all kinds of artist including painters, musicians and poets. However, other people think that this is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In the temporary era, some advocate for
government
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 assistance to
artists
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, encompassing painters, musicians and poets.
However
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, others consider it a misuse of funds. In
this
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 essay, I will explore both perspectives and express my opinion, which disagrees with
latter
Add an article
the latter
show examples
 view. On the one hand , one imperative reason is that
artists
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 always have played a pivotal role in preserving and promoting cultural heritage throughout history.
For example
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, during China’s Tang Dynasty, painters
such
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 as Wu Daozi, Gu Kaizhi, and Zhang Xuan created works that captured the essence of Tang Dynasty society and culture. Their masterpieces not only reflected the beauty of their time but
also
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 served as a means to convey societal values and benefits. Today, the
government
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 can continue
this
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 tradition by providing support to painters through funding, exhibitions and other resources, ensuring that
artists
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 have the means to continue creating and sharing their works for future generations.
On the other hand
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, some people argue that the authority should fund essential services
such
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 as healthcare, education and infrastructures, not invest in the arts. They believe that public funds should be allocated to address pressing societal needs,
such
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 as poverty alleviation and environmental protection.
However
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, in my view,
while
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 it is true that the authority has a responsibility to allocate funds judiciously for critical service, the arts
also
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 play a significant role in protecting and promoting the cultural heritage of a society.
Therefore
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, supporting the
artists
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 may not be the highest priority, but it is indeed necessary. In conclusion, the debate over
government
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 assistance to
artists
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 involves consideration of cultural preservation, inheritance and efficient resource allocation. it is important to view it in a holistic manner. I reiterate my stance that the
government
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's assisting various
artists
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 is crucial and necessary.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay presents a logical flow of ideas from the introduction through to the conclusion. The essay’s structure requires improvement for clarity and effectiveness. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and a sequence of well-developed, well-connected sentences.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but could be clearer in terms of summarizing the topic and the writer's opinion. In the introduction, briefly outline both views and your thesis statement. In the conclusion, restate your opinion and summarize main points without adding new information.
coherence cohesion
You should work on supporting your main points with more specific examples and evidence, which are somewhat lacking and would enhance your argument. Relevant examples help illustrate and support your points effectively. Consider using more real-life examples or statistics to back up your arguments.
task achievement
You have responded to the task by discussing both sides of the argument and providing your own opinion. However, ensure your response is complete by elaborating on all parts of the prompt with balanced consideration. Provide a fully developed answer to ensure you meet the task requirement.
task achievement
While you present clear and comprehensive ideas, sometimes the connection between them is a bit weak. Aim for logical progression of ideas so each sentence naturally follows from the one before with clearer linking expressions.
task achievement
Include relevant, specific examples to strengthen your arguments. Your essay currently lacks robust examples to support your viewpoint. Specific examples enhance credibility and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
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