IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #teenagers #work #time #community #teenager #society
It is argued that young from 14 to around 18 must help in voluntary
activities
 during their free time,
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 contribute and try to have a better local
community
. Personally, I think that it could be a good idea, but I don’t think
that is
 essential for the well-being of
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
community
.
However
, that proposal could have benefits for both,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
community
 and for the teenager who performs the activity. In our days, teenager have a lot of free time, and
instead
 of playing video games or
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV, they can do some
activities
 that could help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 and their personal performance.
For example
, they can help in environmental
activities
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is a popular subject in
this
 century. To help the
community
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 environmental things, they can participate in garbage collection events around the city or go to green spaces to pick up garbage.
This
 will help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 environment, you will be happy and mentally stable because you will have performed an exemplary activity, and it is good for your future because you will live on
this
 planet. The following,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can be helping in volunteer projects
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 participating in non-profit organizations, collaborating in
community
 projects,
helping
Correct word choice
or helping
show examples
 in animal shelters or care centres for the elderly. In brief,
participate
Wrong verb form
participating
show examples
 in volunteer organisations can
also
 be positive for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
,
along with
 doing
this
 type of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 that can later help you in your curriculum,
therefore
 it is
also
 good for your personal development. In conclusion, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents realise
this
 type of voluntary
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
, it is very good for all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
, including animals and is
also
 interesting for their personal development and their future.
However
, I don’t think
that is
 essential, and every teenager can do what he or she wants.
Submitted by santos_dij on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a clear and strong introduction that outlines the writer's viewpoint; it's necessary to state whether you 'agree' or 'disagree' more clearly. The conclusion is quite weak and repeats the idea without giving a final, decisive statement on your view. I recommend working on a stronger thesis statement and a conclusive final paragraph that summarises your argument effectively.
logical structure
Your essay's structure is confusing and paragraphs seem to contain multiple ideas without a clear central topic. To improve coherence, ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea that supports your argument. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
supported main points
While you have attempted to support your main points, it's crucial to provide specific, detailed examples for each point you make. This helps to illustrate and strengthen your argument. To enhance your writing, include at least one specific example per paragraph.
complete response
Your response only somewhat answers the prompt and your position is not clear throughout the essay. A complete response must take a clear stance on the issue and address both sides of the argument consistently. Refine your position and ensure your essay develops that position more comprehensively across all paragraphs.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented are somewhat generic and lack depth. To achieve a higher score, expand on your ideas with more detailed explanations and rationales. Show how the activities you mention directly benefit both the teenager and the community.
relevant specific examples
The examples given are relevant, but lack specificity and depth. Instead of general statements, use concrete examples that are directly related to the teenagers and local community to illustrate your points more effectively.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: