IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that all teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree?

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A large part of the population thinks that it is a great idea to make teenagers work in their free time to benefit the local community. Personally, I could not disagree more
due to
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 the following reasons. Teenagers are too young to work and they have to enjoy their age,
furthermore
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, it would not be very positive for the local land because of demotivation. Since time immemorial, young people worked the whole
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
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day to help their families and earn some money or food, fortunately,
this
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 is not the case today. Nowadays, teens prefer to enjoy youth with their family or friends hanging out, going to parties or only watching a film. Even if they have so
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 free moments, it is the occasion to appreciate life because in some years they will be working every day with few holidays.
In addition
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, in their free moments, study takes an important place too.
For instance
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,
according to
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 Bruno Surroca, a Spanish teacher, teenagers are much happier in class when they are disconnected from their obligations during the weekend. The community always wants the best workers to achieve the objectives. In agreement with
this
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, it could be a disadvantage to hire a young person because these people will often be more focused on
another type
Fix the agreement mistake
other types
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 of goals
such
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 as having fun, studying or getting a partner. Normally, they are not motivated, which can lead to poor performance in their
working place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
.
For example
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, a survey made by the BBC, says that 90% of teens would not be willing to have a job in their spare time.
To conclude
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, I think that it is not a good idea to make minors work
due to
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 their young age and lack of motivation to make these labours.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by acknowledging the potential benefits of unpaid work for teenagers, even if you don't agree with it. This will strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs to enhance clarity. Using transition phrases could help guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples or statistics to support your claims, making them more compelling for the reader.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which gives the reader a clear sense of your argument from the start.
Task Achievement
You raised important points about the importance of teenagers enjoying their youth, which is a valid argument.
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