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Band 5.5

Some people think that more money should be spent on protecting endangered species while others think that it is a waste of valuable money.

#people #money #species #waste
People have different views about how funds should be spent on protecting endangered
animals
. Some people argue that it is a waste of
money
. In my opinion, l believe that keeping endangered
animals
 is very important.
Although
 we must spend
money
, it could become educational material for our
children
 in the future and endangered
animals
 are important to
balance
 the
ecosystem
.
To begin
,
although
 the cost of protecting endangered
animals
 is very expensive, we must keep protecting endangered
animals
 because they could be an important education lesson for our
children
. They can learn about how
animals
 survive in the wild, their habitat, their characteristics and learn how
animals
 breed.
For example
,
children
 can learn how tigers live in the wild
while
 they are almost extinct
due to
 poachers. They
also
 can learn about how
animals
 breed in order to increase their populations in the wild. Endangered
animals
 can
balance
 the
ecosystem
 significantly for our lives. The damage
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
ecosystem
 will significantly affect human lives in the future. Recent research, which was conducted
in
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apply
show examples
a Harvard
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
, has shown that killing endangered species will cause the disappearance of humans in the near future, and it is recommended to fund projects which are responsible for protecting these species.
Therefore
, it seems clear that
money
 should be spent on protecting endangered species to maintain the
balance
 in the
ecosystem
. In conclusion,
this
 essay believes that
money
 should be spent on protecting endangered
animals
 because it can become an education lesson for
children
 and they are important to
balance
 the
ecosystem
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
Task Response: Your essay provides an opinion which addresses the prompt, but the development of your arguments is somewhat limited. To improve, ensure you fully extend and support your ideas with specific examples. Each main idea should be explored in depth, showing how it directly relates to the question posed by the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Coherence & Cohesion: The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the progression from one idea to the next needs to be smoother, and transitions could be used more effectively. Moreover, a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph would help to signal the main point clearly to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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