the table gives information about the average hours spent in the Internet by European people of different age groups.

the table gives information about the average hours spent in the Internet by European people of different  age groups.
The table above shows the
number
of
women
and men of different ages who spend long hours on the
Internet
in Europe. The most important point that draws attention is people between the ages of 16-20 are the ones who use the
Internet
the most, as the
number
of females has reached 18 and the
number
of males is one more. From 21 onwards, it was found that the
number
of male and female
Internet
users began to decrease. From the age of 26 to 30, it was found that men and
women
spend 4 hours on the
Internet
, and
this
amount is constant.
Then
the
number
of
women
spending their time on the
Internet
began to increase in the remaining two stages of life,
while
the
number
of males began to decrease gradually, reaching 2,
while
the
number
of
women
increased by one,
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
3 hours among people aged 51
above
Correct word choice
and above
show examples
.
overall
, it can be seen that the highest period of
internet
usage for both
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
was the age range of 16
till
Change preposition
to
show examples
20.
Submitted by urudalbalushi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, women, internet with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 7 times.
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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