IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People living in large cities today face many problems in their everyday life. What are these problems? Should governments encourage people to move to smaller regional towns?

#people #cities #face #life #governments #move #towns
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It is undoubtedly true that
people
 living in metropolitan cities nowadays face a plethora of issues in their daily lives. The biggest problem is that the increasing population moving to the
city
 leads to many major problems
such
 as crime and poverty. To tackle
this
 dilemma, the government should plan meticulously before encouraging
people
 to move to smaller areas. Overpopulation in a big
city
 is usually caused by a movement from another smaller
city
 that looking for
opportunities
 in the
city
 centre, including getting a better education, having a professional job in a large company or opening their own business for a large market.
Consequently
, high demand for housing causes the rising price of properties. Some
people
 might be unable to afford to have a place to live and that leads to crime and poverty.
For example
, in the capital
city
 of Indonesia, Jakarta, many
people
 who live in a poor area mostly come from outside Jakarta, and
thus
 usually
people
 who fail to get
opportunities
 as they planned before coming to the capital
city
. To fix these issues, some action can be taken
such
 as providing equal job
opportunities
 to smaller regional towns and of course affordable transportation to commute. If the root of the problem is because of many
opportunities
 and easiness available in the
city
, the authority should give the same as it is in the big
city
 to prevent movement. In conclusion,
while
 encouraging
people
 to move to a smaller
city
 can be a suitable solution to decrease problems
people
 encounter in a big
city
, it would be counterproductive to ask them to move without planning the next step meticulously.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
You have addressed the topic well, but try to elaborate a bit more on the reasons why moving to smaller towns can benefit the overall situation. Provide more examples of what governments can do to make smaller towns more attractive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a good structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, aim to make the transitions between paragraphs smoother. Better use of linking words and phrases can enhance the flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay nicely.
Task Achievement
You provided a relevant example of overpopulation issues in Jakarta, which adds credibility to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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