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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowdays, many people complain that they have deficulties getting enough sleep. What problems can lack of sleep cause? What can be done about lack of sleep?

#nowdays #people #deficulties #lack
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There is an issue among societies about the rising difficulty number of
people
 who are not able to sleep in average sleep
time
. It leads to
mentally
Change the word
mental
show examples
 and
physically
Change the word
physical
show examples
 health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 and it can be solved by
time
 management by each individual. Fundamentally,
people
 who cannot sleep enough because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 lack of
time
 can invite the
occurance
Correct your spelling
occurrence
 of various
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
.
In addition
, break
time
 is needed in every work
time
 because
people
 know about the importance, and so does
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sleep
time
 which is vital to refresh
Correct article usage
the human's
show examples
human's
Change noun form
human
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 body after doing several activities. When individuals do not get enough
time
 to sleep,
then
 other body parts and mental will
suffering
Wrong verb form
suffer
show examples
.
For instance
, in recent
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
, many young
workers-20
Correct your spelling
workers -20
 to around 40 years old- sadly have to experience depression or heart disease because when they are too exhausted with their daily
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, their bodies cannot recharge well
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 lack of
time
.
Therefore
, every worker
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to manage their
time
 well
due to
 enough sleep
time
. It is better for working society
limit
Add the particle
to limit
show examples
 their activity and do everything not in
excessive
Change the article
an excessive
show examples
 way
,
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apply
show examples
 so that they will have
longer
Add an article
a longer
show examples
time
 to take a rest. Based on the previous explanation, it can be illustrated by how some employees make daily
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their phones in order to track their
time
 activities.
This
 is efficient to make them aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their work
time
 limit and have more
time
 to sleep. In conclusion, sleep is vital for human because it helps to refresh their whole bodies mentally and physically. If some
people
 cannot experience sleep
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
proper
Correct article usage
the proper
show examples
time
then
 it will create
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 towards their
healthes
Correct your spelling
health
 in various ways.
That is
 why society
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to manage their
time
 well in order to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their own working
time
 and sleep
time
.
Submitted by e.warikar on

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task achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the task. The essay addresses issues caused by lack of sleep and suggestions to remedy it but fails to develop these points fully.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to organize your ideas logically and use cohesive devices effectively. The essay has a clear structure but occasionally lacks coherence due to some grammatical inaccuracies and repeating points.
language
Use a wider range of vocabulary and grammatical structures to convey precise meaning and make fewer errors.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • weakened immune system
  • cognitive functions
  • mental health issues
  • concentration
  • decision-making
  • regular sleep schedule
  • sleep environment
  • caffeine
  • relaxing activities
  • stress reduction techniques
  • cognitive-behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I)
  • regulate sleep patterns
What to do next:
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