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Band 4.5

Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?

#scientists #technology #experts #society #musicians #artists
There is ongoing debate regarding whether the people contributing to the
field
 of technological advancement are more valuable than the traditional artists. From my perspective, it's essential to focus on the issue of human welfare nowadays. What is alarming is that the advancement
also
 brings some negative side effects
such
 as environmental pollution and human rights suppression. I think those are the most pressing topics brought on by contemporary development and need to be resolved by scientists. With the availability of the internet, we can comfortably acquire the resources and publish our own works online. In general aspect, everyone can be an artist in the music industry or an expert in painting.
This
 situation indicates the inflation in the value of the art
field
. In conclusion, it's obvious that the experts in the scientific
field
 are more paramount than the art
field
. The cost of becoming an artist is too low now and I believe that will be more intensive in the future. If we evaluate the advanced progress in the present, it's imperative that
this
 society needs more scientists to secure human welfare once we encounter harsh issues.
Submitted by seanlin12345 on

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task achievement
Your essay lacks clear development of ideas and examples that are directly relevant to the question. There are broad statements made about the value of scientists and artists without a nuanced examination or specific instances to substantiate claims.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has an introduction and conclusion, the points within the body paragraphs are not adequately elaborated upon. Including more detailed examples could improve this.
task achievement
In order to achieve a higher score, ensure that your ideas are fully expanded upon with clear examples and explanations. Your introduction should more clearly state your position and set the stage for the discussion to follow.
coherence cohesion
Coherence could be improved by creating clearer connections between sentences and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and transitional phrases to show the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
For a higher score in coherence, consider better structuring your essay. Each paragraph should contain one main idea and a clear central topic which is developed. Cohesion can come from well-planned paragraphs where the content logically follows on from one point to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
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