More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Numerous
children
in the modern nations are growing in weight of the body. This
can raise an intensive problem, especially physical individual issue that the government finally
have to spend a lot of money to provide public health services. This
question wake-up call for the developed countries to take some steps in order to solve these problems. In this
essay, I would like to discuss about causes and impacts of this
obstacle in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, in my point of view, the problem that has arisen from the modern era is that most parents do not have time to look after their children
. Every morning the parents have to wake up early and hurry up to go to work. This
situation has caused changes in eating habits in the family. In other words
, instead
of spending time making food
for family members, they order food
online which gives them more convenience than cooking themselves. As a result
, plenty of children
have become familiar with ultra-processed foods
such
as fast food
, junk food
and so on. These foods
make more children
tend to become fat easily. Furthermore
, these foods
have negative impacts on children
's health.
Secondly
, the second problem has occurred from food
services. Some student does not have more option to select food
in each meal. Children
who live in poor families and poor conditions, need eating to survive, some food
does not contain enough energy that the body needs. In addition
, many foods
that schools provide for children
, have more energy making them become fat and get illnesses in the long term.
In conclusion, in the modern era that make some parents do not have time to look after their children
. Finally
, it changes eating habits which causes many children
to become fat. Besides
, the influence of food
advertising and food
delivery services gives more people more convenience and comfort.Submitted by mahawichet on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure. It is important to have distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion, which are not properly delineated. Use clear topic sentences to open paragraphs, and ensure each paragraph has one central idea.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, they are weak and could be improved by more clearly stating the thesis and summarizing the main points.
coherence cohesion
Main points should be supported with examples and explanations. Your essay would benefit from more specific examples or data to support the points you make about the causes and effects of child obesity.
task achievement
Your response to the task was incomplete. The prompt requires a discussion of causes and effects of child obesity, which was not thoroughly covered. Expand your discussion to more specifically address the prompt's requirements.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are comprehensive and developed throughout the essay. Each point should be elaborated upon with adequate detail and reasoning to provide a full understanding of the argument.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples were lacking or not fully elaborated upon. Providing concrete examples or case studies from real life can significantly strengthen your argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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