IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
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Some individuals think that it is positive for their offspring to spend their leisure outdoors having fun with their peers, rather than staying home at the PC playing video games. In my essay, I will discuss the topic and give my opinion. It is obvious, that children all around the globe love to be surrounded by fellows and parents endeavour to provide their loves with that opportunity by having more activities in the yard or sandbox.
For example
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, in summer adults can send their babies to different campsites or other summer programs.
As a result
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, by the end of the season, the kid gains a lot of unforgettable moments, passing their best age of childhood in the fresh air or on sandy beaches.
However
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, some young find it more interesting to be accompanied by their siblings and initial family.
Therefore
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, they do not go out a lot and spend the majority of their time at home, playing computer games and chatting with someone online. Sometimes infants overplay the computer and become very anxious, as it is very harmful for their vulnerable bodies to stay under device waves that much, or even they can be scared by someone during web-conversation. All in all, the privacy of some individuals should remain secure, but adults must check their minor children to not be abused or frightened. In my point of view, toddlers should spend more time outdoors and in contact with their peers , as that will give them an opportunity not only to find a new relationship but will make them healthier.
To conclude
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 , parents always do their best to make their kids pleased and happy, but they should always be focused on their infant's well-being and try to broaden their minds.
Submitted by zakhra.aliyeva2001 on

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coherence cohesion
You should structure your essay in a more logical and cohesive manner. Ensure that you have a clear introduction, at least two main body paragraphs each with a central idea supported by specific examples or explanations, and a concise conclusion that summarizes your main points.
task achievement
For task response, you should directly address the question prompt and clearly state your position. Your essay should be focused on to what extent you agree or disagree with the statement provided. Make sure your position is consistent throughout the essay and sufficiently substantiated.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical development
  • Overall health
  • Coordination
  • Foster
  • Social skills
  • Teamwork
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity
  • Exploration
  • Strategic thinking
  • Problem-solving
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Sedentary lifestyles
  • Social isolation
  • Moderation
  • Balanced approach
  • Detract
  • Obesity
  • Poor posture
What to do next:
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