IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academics subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #education #classes #curriculum #children #time #academics #subjects
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A part of people think that it is important to add extra curriculum
activities
 to the school syllabus. meanwhile, others argue that student should spend most of their time focusing on academics-related
activities
.
although
 the latter opinion can help children to achieve the highest grades, physical
activities
 definitely give them the confidence to face the challenges which are in the community. So, I believe that it is important to add some physical
activities
 to the academy curriculum. On the one hand, physical
education
 classes like games, music, dance, and arts always help to improve children's cognitive development which plays a crucial role in creativity.
for instance
, one of the schools in my neighbourhood is practicing
this
 type of curriculum which reaped the benefits in the form of producing lots of musicians, sportsmen and artists.
furthermore
, these types of practices are useful in skills development.
On the other hand
, concentrating more only on the theoretical side of
education
 helps the pupils to achieve higher grades and medals but it is difficult for all the students in a classroom.
for example
, St.Patric school which is famous for having an academic policy, provides
society
 with some talented doctors and engineers but those people represent a small proportion of all the students attending the school. In conclusion, focusing only on academic
education
 can help a small part of
society
. So, it can not be a better solution for the whole
society
. In my opinion including some physical
education
 ideas in the syllabus for all school-age children, will be a fruitful change for the whole
society
.
Submitted by ajeevatharsan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical sequence of ideas and adequate paragraphing, though transitions could be enhanced for better fluidity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they would benefit from a more clear statement of the writer's position to guide readers effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported, yet the arguments would be stronger with more varied and elaborate examples specific to the prompt's subject.
task achievement
The response addresses all parts of the task, with a position that becomes clear throughout the essay; however, the opinion should be consistently and explicitly stated from the beginning.
task achievement
The ideas presented are generally clear and related to the task, although they could be developed further for depth and comprehensive coverage of the topic.
task achievement
The essay includes examples, but these are insufficiently specific and do not effectively illustrate the arguments. Including more detailed and pertinent instances would enhance this aspect.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: