IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as rubbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #attack #adults
Some
people
 argue that young
people
 who commit serious
crimes
 as
adults
such
 as rubbery or a violent attack should be given a fair punishment without any discrimination.
Although
 I fully support that notion,
however
, to some
extend
Replace the word
extent
show examples
, I completely agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 it if the age of
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 young
people
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 appropriate to be punished.
A
Correct article usage
The
show examples
 same degree of punishment can only be carried out if the age of
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
considerably
Change the word
considerable
show examples
 enough to accept the consequences of their own actions because they have full responsibility on their own to differentiate what are the good things and the wrong ones. If the
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 youngsters are underage
such
 as below 17 years old, they should not receive the same treatment as
adults
 who commit
crimes
. There is a possibility that they
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
 confused about what they
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
,
thus
, the law should treat appropriately
underage
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
people
.
Underage commited
Correct your spelling
Underage-committed
 young
people
 should not be punished the same way as
adults
 because they are much needed to get supervision
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their parents or guardians.
Besides
, they still have a long way to go
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life journey ahead, so there is a higher chance and possibility that underage
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
committee
 can fix
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 past mistakes quicker than
adults
 and be better
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 for society afterwards.
For
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a suggestion, any underage young
people
 who commit any level of
crimes
 will be given back to their parents' supervision and will get weekly or
montly
Correct your spelling
monthly
 moral training at
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
 police station
nearby
Change preposition
near
show examples
 their neighborhood. In conclusion, young
people
, especially
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 are underage should not be given the same consequences as
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 who commit
crimes
 because they still need supervision and guidance from their parents or
guardian
Fix the agreement mistake
guardians
show examples
.
Submitted by pedrothedawn on

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Language Accuracy
Ensure consistent and appropriate usage of terminology. For instance, 'robbery' was misspelled as 'rubbery'.
Sentence Structure
Work on sentence structure to improve readability and cohesiveness. Some sentences are overly complex or contain grammatical errors.
Introduction/Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion need to more effectively paraphrase the prompt and present a clear thesis statement and summarizing conclusion, respectively.
Supporting Evidence
Include specific examples to support main points. The essay would benefit from the inclusion of relevant studies, statistics, or anecdotal evidence.
Task Response
Enhance task achievement by fully responding to all parts of the question with a balanced discussion and clear argumentation.
Idea Development
Ensure that the ideas presented are not repetitive and that each paragraph introduces a new element to the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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