People who have been working for many years should be encouraged to retrain for completely different careers when their original occupations become less necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that people who have been working for many years should be encouraged to retrain for completely different careers when their original
occupations
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become less necessary.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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view
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because retraining can create more
job
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opportunities
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for
workers
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and help them keep abreast of changes in the
job
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market
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.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I agree with
this
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view
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is that retraining can create more
job
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opportunities
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for
workers
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.
This
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is mainly because learning new
skills
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can help people qualify for different types of jobs when their original
occupations
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become less necessary.
In other words
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, retraining can give experienced
workers
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the knowledge and
skills
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they need to find employment in other fields.
For example
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, a worker whose
job
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is affected by automation can take a training course and learn new digital or technical
skills
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to apply for another position.
As a result
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, the worker can have more employment
opportunities
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instead
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of remaining unemployed.
Therefore
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, I believe that retraining can be a useful way to help
workers
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continue their careers.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another important reason why I agree with
this
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view
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is that retraining can help
workers
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keep abreast of changes in the
job
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market
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.
This
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is because new technologies and working methods are constantly changing the
skills
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required by employers.
For instance
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, an experienced employee may learn to use new software or modern equipment through a retraining programme.
Consequently
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, the employee can remain suitable for jobs in a changing
job
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market
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.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree that
workers
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should be encouraged to retrain when their original
occupations
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become less necessary.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree with the
view
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that people should be encouraged to retrain for different careers when their original
occupations
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become less necessary.
This
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is mainly because retraining can create more
job
Use synonyms
opportunities
Use synonyms
for
workers
Use synonyms
and help them keep abreast of changes in the
job
Use synonyms
market
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your clear view is given at the start and kept to the end. To make the answer stronger, say more about why a fully different job may be needed, not only new skills for a new job.
task response
Your two main ideas are clear, but they are quite close: both are about work skills and jobs. Add a more different idea, such as helping people keep their pay, feel safe, or meet new work needs.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are general. Give one fuller example. For example, say what job a worker did before, what they learned, and what new job they could do.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: start, two main parts, and end. Each main part has one key idea, which makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are used too often, especially “This is because”, “Therefore”, and “In other words”. Use fewer repeated links, or join ideas in other simple ways.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence of each main part repeats the main point. You can use that space to add a detail or explain the example more fully.
coherence and cohesion
The end is clear, but it repeats much of the start. Make it shorter and add one final thought, such as the need for training help from firms or the state.
task response
You answer the full question and clearly show that you agree.
task response
The ideas are on topic and are explained in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are well set out, with a clear main idea in each one.
coherence and cohesion
The start and end make your view easy to see.
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